Archeology At Its Best: Mayan Ruins & Branson, Missouri
I just went on a trip through the Mayan ruins of Central America — and all I can say about that is, “Wow!” First I went to Joya de Ceren, an archeological site in El Salvador consisting of a small fifth-century Mayan town that had been preserved because of a volcanic eruption — sort of like the Pompeii of Central America. There you could see how every-day Mayans lived 1,320 years ago. And guess what? Every-day Mayans back then lived in adobe homes pretty much like the ones that many Mayans still live in today.
http://jpstillwater.blogspot.com
I just went on a trip through the Mayan ruins of Central America — and all I can say about that is, “Wow!”
First I went to Joya de Ceren, an archeological site in El Salvador consisting of a small fifth-century Mayan town that had been preserved because of a volcanic eruption — sort of like the Pompeii of Central America. There you could see how every-day Mayans lived 1,320 years ago. And guess what? Every-day Mayans back then lived in adobe homes pretty much like the ones that many Mayans still live in today. Here’s the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTPQZjVhjqU
Then I went off to see the Copan temple complex in Honduras. But I already told you about that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2buP1SLgIg
Then I went to Tikal, in Guatemala. It was as big as Yosemite and as impressive as Karnak. And I got lost and had to get rescued by a park ranger. He was cute. Here’s the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMxyXdBxQYc
Then I went to the exact same ruin where they filmed “Survivor Guatemala,” and stood on the exact same spot where Jeff Probst had stood. It doesn’t get more archeological than that! Here’s the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xEgLD8NnZo
Then I spent several hours on a small boat, going up a river in the jungle to the Mayan ruin of Lamanai in Belize. It was all very Indiana Jones. Here’s the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E83zl0ypUH4
On the way back through the jungle, I passed a Mennonite settlement. How bizarre is that! Out in the middle of the freaking jungle, miles from nowhere, lived a whole colony of old-fashioned Mennonites, wearing old-fashioned dresses and beards and suspenders and looking for all the world like I had just landed in western Pennsylvania.
And not only that, but it was Sunday and a lot of the Mennonites were strolling down by the riverside after church — and the young men were courting the young ladies by showing off and diving into the river from high posts, fully clothed. And the young ladies were giggling and blushing and totally attentive. Watching this scene was like witnessing an American-style courtship ritual from 150 years ago. It was fascinating. But was it archeology? Probably not.
When I get back to the U.S., I want to go to Branson, Missouri. I already got a brochure!
“Known as the ‘Live Music Show Capital of the World,’ Branson, Missouri, is truly a one-of-a-kind family vacation destination — and an incredible value — with more than 50 live performance theaters, three pristine lakes, 12 championship golf courses, an international award-winning theme park, dozens of attractions and museums, an Historic Downtown district, shopping galore, a full range of dining options, and a host of hotels, motels, resorts, RV parks, campgrounds and meeting and conference facilities.”
I wonder what archeologists will be saying about Branson, Missouri 1,320 years from now?
“But maybe there won’t even BE any archeologists 1,320 years from now,” commented my daughter Ashley. “You’re forgetting that the Mayan calendar ends in 2012.” You mean that the human race could be coming to an end in less than two years? Well, heck. In that case, what we really need to do is to make the most of these two remaining years. Screw buying a new car, working a dead-end job or getting my apartment clean. If the human race is truly going to die out by 2012 (and if you consider the way that we are avoiding the reality of climate change and using mega-bombs like they were Kleenex, this extinction is totally possible), then I need to get ready! We all need to get ready. We all need to run out and do a whole bunch of good deeds ASAP so that we can all make it into Heaven.
PS: Back in the U.S. of A., I hear that Americans are still running around like chickens with their heads cut off, all dazed and confused. There are many serious things wrong with America right now but nobody seems to be trying to fix any of them — or else are only making use of our confusion to feather their own nests.
Wall Street and bankers are acting like vultures. Teabaggers are acting like ostriches with their heads in the sand. The Pentagon has pretty much gone coo-coo about trying to conquer the world. And most Americans are acting like turkeys. “Gobble gobble gobble,” they say, as they gobble up everything in sight at the malls and swallow up all that bird poop being force-fed down their throats by commercials — clearly unaware that they are only fattening themselves up to get stuffed.
At a time when Americans direly needs more eagles and doves, we seem to be mostly stuck with birdbrains, birds of prey and pigeons.
Americans need to stop acting like dodos, prepare for the harsh winter ahead, work together for the common good as one flock, learn to fly high and stop feathering their nests with all that greed and hate that’s gonna come back and bite them in the [tail feathers] REALLY SOON — whether or not the Mayan calendar is right.
Mineral Water Could Make CSI: Ashland Hard To Swallow
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, police dramas involving any type of forensic investigation are still very popular. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this type of crime show, it’s when old-fashioned detective work — in combination with high-tech science — is conducted by really attractive people who would otherwise be getting into water balloon fights at the Playboy Mansion. This formula has proven so popular that every major network now carries at least one of these shows (Not counting the WB, which cancelled its plans for CSI: Pennsylvania after test audiences complained that watching Quaker detectives chase villians in pony carts was “really boring.”)
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, police dramas involving any type of forensic investigation are still very popular. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this type of crime show, it’s when old-fashioned detective work — in combination with high-tech science — is conducted by really attractive people who would otherwise be getting into water balloon fights at the Playboy Mansion. This formula has proven so popular that every major network now carries at least one of these shows (Not counting the WB, which cancelled its plans for CSI: Pennsylvania after test audiences complained that watching Quaker detectives chase villians in pony carts was “really boring.”)
In spite of this, talks are continuing about a new spin-off from the CSI franchise that would take place in Ashland, Ore., which, in real life, is home to the world’s only forensic crime lab dedicated exclusively to cases involving wildlife.
For example: When a squirrel’s death is deemed accidental after attempting to retrieve a loose walnut from Interstate 5 during the city’s annual Shakespeare Festival, it takes a highly-trained forensic detective to unravel the ugly truth.
“Hmmm. Judging from this buzzard feather I found near the scene of the crime, I think the victim was PUSHED in front of that Volvo!”
Anther important ingredient to any CSI-type show is that it take place in a unique location. Until recently, I was completely unaware of that Ashland has a free-flowing fountain that spews naturally-occurring mineral water from an underground spring.
Apparently, this is a huge attraction that draws tourists from throughout the world for a chance to drink this mineral-rich water. It is also a huge attraction for Ashland residents, who come to watch tourists gag and then rub dry grass in their mouths after actually tasting the water that comes from the fountain. I’m not saying that everyone thinks it tastes bad; but there’s a reason it’s not in a squeeze bottle next to the Evian.
Which brings us back to the city’s unique crime lab, and its potential as a new police drama. Although I’m not at liberty to divulge my source, I was able to get my hands on a page of script from the pilot episode — which opens with David Hasselhoff standing over a 60-foot-long indentation left in the grass by what he deduces was a severely undernourished boa constrictor.
Hasselhoff: I want this area completely sealed off. It’s going to take a while to process this.
Coroner: What are you doing?
Hasselhoff: I’m going to sift through all 60 feet, starting here at this water faucet and all the way across the yard to the vegetable garden. I WILL find out who starved this poor snake and just left it out here to die.
Coroner: You DO understand that this was made by the garden hose after we moved it, right?
Hasselhoff: Hmmm?
As you can see, there’s plenty of potential here for some riveting television drama. Granted, it isn’t Shakespeare. But I don’t think it’ll be hard to swallow.
Especially with a little mineral water.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Or. 97439, or at nhickson@oregonfast.net.)
Chicken Wallbanger?
It wouldn’t shock anyone to learn that San Francisco recently passed a resolution to make Mondays “VegDays.” Everyone in the city will be encouraged to eat vegetarian meals and to avoid eating meat every Monday. Don’t worry. There will be no Vegetarian Police, clad in green outfits, barging into people’s homes to make sure that they aren’t having lamb chops on Monday night.
It wouldn’t shock anyone to learn that San Francisco recently passed a resolution to make Mondays “VegDays.” Everyone in the city will be encouraged to eat vegetarian meals and to avoid eating meat every Monday. Don’t worry. There will be no Vegetarian Police, clad in green outfits, barging into people’s homes to make sure that they aren’t having lamb chops on Monday night. This is not just a movement by people who want their fellow citizens to eat less meat to be healthier. The people behind this resolution point out, “If everyone in San Francisco eats a plant-based diet just one day a week for a year, we would save over 378,600,768 pounds of greenhouse gas emissions. That is the equivalent of taking 123,822 cars off the streets of San Francisco.” I wonder how many of those 123,822 cars are on their way to pick up a Big Mac.
Vegetarianism has, of course, increased over recent years. So it came as a big surprise to me to learn that some people are clinging onto meat. The weirdest way that they are consuming meat products is in their cocktails. They’ve given a whole new meaning to Beefeater gin.
Some hip,”in” bars are serving drinks like “Bring Home the Bacon.” That’s a concoction that contains beef bullion, vodka and a garnish of deep-fried bacon and a prosciutto-stuffed olive. Beef bullion doesn’t sound all that over the top. However, would you want to drink a cocktail containing elk bullion? There is an elk based drink called, “Big Eye Bloody Bull.” Sounds really appetizing, doesn’t it? Where do you even buy elk bullion? I’ve never seen it on a grocery store shelf, have you?
This infusion of meat into people’s lives during the vegetarian revolution doesn’t stop at the corner bar. According to “Time” magazine, more and more people are butchering their own meat. I’m not kidding. People are butchering their own meat in their kitchens, right next to that beautiful white tile that they spent all that money on. Now, I would never suggest that all this home butchering would save the same amount of greenhouse gas emissions as VegDay. However, in one way this meat movement is “green.” That’s the color I’d turn if anyone ever did any butchering in my kitchen.
The last time I heard about a cleaver being in a home kitchen, she was named June. However, the author of “Julie and Julia,” Julie Powell, has published a new book called, “Cleaving” about home butchering. I can hardly wait to see the movie in which Meryl Streep prepares a romantic dinner by chopping off a pig’s snout.
So what’s this culinary counterrevolution all about? Why are people bringing dead animals into their kitchens? Why are they excited about a dinner of braised hoof? I have a theory. In these difficult economic times, people want to hold onto something that they’ve always felt was special. Meat has traditionally been a symbol of wealth and good times. When people want to celebrate something, they have often celebrated with the most expensive meat they can find, not with an avocado and sprouts sandwich. So maybe the attitude is, “You can take away my raise. You can take away my fancy car, you can even take away the house I bought with ridiculous credit three years ago. But keep your hands off my meat.”
Evidently, to some people, meat is an economic comfort food. Maybe when their finances are back up where they want them to be, they will look back and laugh at the time they moved yesterday’s mail, the laptop, and their kid’s relief map of South America off the kitchen counter so they could make oxtail soup from scratch.
So is it possible to reconcile these polar opposites of vegetarianism and meat-ism? I think it is. I think both sides can be happy. All the people who serve that elk bullion cocktail have to do is make sure that the menu states that the bullion is made from free range elk.
Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.” He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.
