Fascists Crush Chuck Norris’ Head… Sorta — Martial Law Threat Hit Congress Before Bailout Vote

LEWISVILLE, Texas An American B-movie action hero tragically lost his head last week. It literally came off his body, and that’s a fact… well, sorta.

In a column posted to WorldNetDaily.com, the martial artist and conservative icon Chuck Norris unleashed a flurry of roundhouse kicks to the fascists that passed the Wall Street Bailout Bill. No politician was spared, not even President George W. Bush. Sens. John McCain and Barack Obama, too.

“Except for 25 senatorial and 161 congressional opponents, the majority have just driven our children and grandchildren nearly $1 trillion deeper into debt, with only a dim ray of ‘hope’ and sheer speculation that the Fed might recover it,” Norris wrote.

Noting that the 500-page Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 H.R. 1424 ballooned from four pages in a matter of days, Norris threw in a special jab at Bush as if the president were Kimbo Slice.

“And the president signed it just an hour after receiving it from Capitol Hill on Friday I guess that speed reading course paid off,” he added.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

Almost out of nowhere, Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM) landed a near-fatal blow to Norris.

Oddly, Wilson’s move missed its aimed target (Sen. Obama) a day prior on CBS’s Face the Nation with Bob Schieffer but traveled forward in time, a mystery new to modern physics!

“He’s been critical not only of the President but of American policy and hence has kind of a negative view of America in the world,” said Wilson, whose view of patriotism thereby removed Norris’ noggin from his torso.

Miraculously, while his mouth quivered in the cold air, Norris’ hand continued to pen this column titled “The bail-a-holics.” In a blind rage, the hand railed against Bill Clinton and waxed nostalgic over Ronald Reagan before pleading for personal mercy from a “disappointing” Sen. John McCain.

“John, you gained my vote by your conservative choice in Gov. [Sarah] Palin; don’t lose my (and others’) vote by your return to politics-as-usual. For many of us, you have one last chance in the debates you must choose radical reformation. If there were ever a time for Maverette Sarah to show her true colors, then she needs to stand up to Maverick McCain and say, ‘Enough is enough!’ Speak up, Gov. Palin, please speak up!” the mortally-wounded Christian actor wrote.

But the hand had apparently not spoken with others in the Republican Party that have lost hope in and/or criticized the GOP’s presidential ticket.

The week prior, conservative columnist Kathleen Parker in the National Review Online said that McCain’s running mate was a “problem.”

“My cringe reflex is exhausted,” Parker wrote, after watching Palin’s televised performances with Charles Gibson, Sean Hannity, and Katie Couric. “If BS were currency, Palin could bail out Wall Street herself.”

Parker in the end called for Palin to leave the campaign for “personal reasons.” “No one would criticize a mother who puts her family first,” she wrote.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay recently rekindled his long-standing beefs with McCain in an interview with PolitickerCA.

“If McCain wins the election, we’ve got just as mu