Special To The Iconoclast

There are no gaps in communication; we fill in the missing information with our perceptions. No wonder there are so many conflict in relationships. Here are some thoughts for resolution.

Ask yourself creative questions that bring resolution:

1. What pre-conceived ideas do I have about this situation? How relevant are they?

2. What is the problem? Or am I making a problem where none exists?

3. Am I being a team player? Is the problem as much with me as with them?

4. Am I trying to force my ideals or priorities onto someone for my benefit?

5. What hidden agendas do I have? What is the secondary pay off?

6. How do I send conflicting messages?

7. What is the solution?

8. Is there a solution?

Be willing to not win. What is more important, relationship or being right? Be willing to overlook some misbehavior. Give up control, and give up being miserable.

Do not be defensive In times of conflict, do not be defensive, and do not become offensive. Be willing to let a point through. Recognize there are multiple nuances and be willing to compromise.

Don’t be offensive. Use productive strategies to make your point.

1. Rephrase. “Let me see if I understand what you are saying.” Soften your tone.

2. Listen. Let the person acknowledge “Yes” or “No” to your understanding. If “no,” let the person rephrase what they are saying or meaning.

3. Gain clarification. “What do you understand my position to be?”

4. Gently refute dogmatic assumptions with generalities. Such as, “some are like that, but not everyone.” “It may happen frequently but now always.” To the “Everyone thinks that” counter gently with “I don’t know. I cannot read minds.”

5. Ask for proof. Supplying proof is no gain or loss for him. If he cannot supply proof, be gracious and let him save face. If she cannot supply proof, this throws doubt on the validity on the argument.

6. Be specific about what you do or do not agree with.

7. Put up a stop sign. In a non-threatening way, raise your hand to cease the onslaught.

8. Invite a third party to arbitrate or to give input.

Receive criticism graciously. Value the person as having an interest in your well-being. Ask for insights as to why the plan is flawed and specific suggestions for improvement. Actively listen to words and filter out supposed hidden agendas. Allow compliments to make you feel good and criticism to spur you to do better the next time.

Give criticism effectively. Never speak in anger. Watch your tone of voice and hidden agendas. Have the person’s best interest at heart. Determine your aim. Be direct; state the problem and what you deem as a solution. Give space for evaluation and change.

To foster relationship amid misunderstandings, use magic words like “please,” “thank you,” and “I appreciate it.” Avoid threats and let truth or consequences prevail. Do not gloat when consequences come into play. Behave in a gracious manner when you are shown to be correct, and more importantly, when you are proven wrong.

(Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com.

In past articles we have looked at the importance of goal setting and working to bring them to fruition. I stand by that as a necessary element to get ahead. I also suggest the balance of waiting. Here’s what I mean…

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Live in the now and enjoy today. Always waiting for the tomorrow that has no promise of being, shows a discontent with the present. Ironically, when longed for riches do eventually come, most yearn for a simpler time. It is the struggles that make us strong.

Consider the seed. My then four year old grandson was drawing and said to me, “Come here, Nana, I want to teach you something.” He had illustrated a plant’s growth starting with a seed, to growing underground, to pushing through earth, to fragile leaves, to a full bloom flower. His insight was, “Even though you can’t see anything happening, it is still growing.”

Plan for relative wait time. They happen every day: checkout line at supermarket, bank deposit, traffic snarl, someone to get back with you. Use it productively.

Refuse to engage in irrelevant wait time. Do not waste today through nonproductive mental activities such as pining for a better job, wanting the children to grow up, or longing for reduced responsibilities. Do not mindlessly waiting for a future event or some solution to magically happen or fantasying about success, fame and fortune.

Life is a constant. It is today. You can improve your circumstances but not necessarily life. Be careful how you build thereon.

Life is conflicting. An individual can be content and still suffer lack. One can have outer wealth and inner poverty. I call it a restless contentment.

Expectant waiting. Be fully engaged in today and alert to the divine. Be at east with uncertainty. Do not be restless with today. “Beauty arises in the stillness of your presence.”

Out of the mouth of babes. A few years back we vacationed in the hills of Missouri and my grandchildren and I re-enacted Little House in the Big Woods. For hours we foraged for materials — rocks, limbs, and random treasures – to building our house. It rained the next two days and then they had to go home. We never got to play in our project. Katie said, “That’s okay, Nana, the most fun is in the building anyway.”

The consciously looking forward to, the energetic creativity, the joy of accomplishment, the fun of teamwork — this is what makes the now so special. Revel in it.

(Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.)