Glenn Close going crazy in “Fatal Attraction” was a cautionary tale for any man considering a casual affair in the late ’80s. Today, the repercussions of Tiger Woods’ affairs should be enough to discourage men from cheating on their wives. When statisticians do their work on the subject, I’ll bet we’ll see a dip in the number of unfaithful male spouses for the years immediately after Tiger’s foolish philandering. This upswing in marital fidelity won’t be because men are going to worry about the money they might have to give up if their wives find out they have strayed. It’s not because of the possible effect on their children. It’s not because they might lose the woman they love if they get caught doing some free-lance mattress testing. No, what will terrorize millions of men about having an affair and getting caught is how this might affect their golf game. Continue reading →

The rumors are true. I was not invited to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. I have no idea why. I never said or did anything cruel to either Bill or Hillary Clinton. I never met Marc’s family, so why would they be mad at me? It’s all a mystery. The invitation couldn’t have gotten lost in the mail. You don’t just drop an invitation to a former First Daughter’s wedding in your neighborhood mailbox. You walk down to the post office, you wait in that dreadful line, and you pay the few extra bucks to insure the thing. No, they left me off the list on purpose, and they didn’t do it in a classy way. Continue reading →

According to several newspaper accounts, extremely rich people are spending their money on something that surprises me: theme parks. It just goes to show how out of touch I am with the ultra rich. I thought that those who have an extraordinary amount of money might treat themselves to things like putting an extra stamp on an envelope “just in case,” showering for as long as they want, or splurging at the car wash and getting that carnuba wax. But I was wrong. Now the picture is more like this: After an executive receives his obscene bonus of tens of millions of dollars, he starts for the office door and is stopped by a colleague who asks, “Where are you going?” The guy with the big bucks looks at the camera and replies, “I’m going to Disneyland.”

Theme parks are suffering financially these days. While so many people are struggling to pay their grocery bills, the last thing they are thinking about spending their money on is “The Mad Hatter’s Tea Cups.” However there is a niche market that is spending more than usual on things like Disneyland, Sea World, and Universal tours. That niche with a spending itch is the very rich.

For years, rich and bored people have gone on challenging and dangerous vacations. They’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona, hunted bears in Alaska, and even taken the ultimate risk by having their kitchens remodeled. So it’s not surprising that Disney and the others have been trying to attract this kind of spending. Sea World plans on expanding their special “swim with the dolphins package” that starts at $199 per person now. Disney World has started to sell homes ranging up to $8 million with special access to the rides and fun at the theme park. If I had $8 million to spend on a house, I think I’d want it to be as far as possible from a theme park. Once again, I’m just not thinking like the very rich.

How much money do you have to have to be considered “ultra rich,” and how does anyone know how these people are spending their money? American Express gathered the statistics and released them. (Isn’t it nice to know that credit card companies can do things like that)? American Express classifies people as “ultra-affluent” if they charge at least $7,000 a month — or $84,000 a year — on their credit card. And someone at American Express noticed that these ultra-affluent cardholders spent 32% more on theme parks in the first quarter of this year than in 2009.

So how will theme parks cater to people who have all that money? I assume that they will have more and more adventurous and exclusive experiences. Sea World, for example, already has plans to expand its Discovery Cove. That’s where admission is limited to just over 1,000 people a day who do things like hand-feed parrots. You can also pay $500 to be a trainer for a day at Sea world. I think it’s worth every penny to have your hands smell like fish for a week. A new addition will give rich visitors a chance to have “shark encounters.” The only problem with having some of these Wall Street instant millionaires in that tank is that it’ll be hard to tell which ones are the sharks.

There will be more exotic rides and attractions at all of the theme parks. Don’t be surprised if a night at “Psycho’s” Bates Motel includes being attacked when you take a shower. Isn’t that just perfect for the wealthy honeymoon couple? At the “Dumbo, the Flying Elephant” ride, you’ll be able to jump out of a plane while sitting on an elephant – which, is better than the other way around. And on the Jungle Cruise, the pampered but bored ultra-richie will be able to wrestle a python while getting a pedicure.

Maybe I should sign up for one of these exclusive adventures. I could meet somebody there who could help me in the business world. Who knows? I might be in line with a super billionaire who would want to go into anything business with me. It’s possible. Let’s face it: it’s a small world after all.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at <lloydgarver.com> and his podcasts on iTunes.

In these very serious times, it seems that it’s appropriate to get rid of some of the silly or outdated laws that are still on the books. I’m talking about things like its being illegal in Oklahoma to tease dogs by making ugly faces, Michigan’s law that forbids a wife from having her hair cut without her husband’s approval, and in Sullivan’s Island, South Carolina, the law that prohibits people from “singing, whistling, or hooting” if it annoys somebody else. Wait a minute. That last one isn’t an old law. It’s an ordinance that was just passed by the South Carolina town.

Before you laugh at this law, I should make it clear that it is not in effect 24 hours a day. That would be ridiculous. It only applies to sounds that annoy somebody between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. It also only deals with these actions if they are performed in public. You can still sing in the shower, and you can still do your indoor hooting wherever you usually do it.

Chief of police, Danny Howard, doesn’t want this ordinance to be fodder for people like me to ridicule. He pointed out that nobody is going to get a ticket just for singing in public. However, if that singing annoys other people, then they might get a $500 ticket.

When I first heard about this ordinance, it struck me that if there were just a slight twist to it, it would be the kind of thing that teenagers would like to be the law. That imaginary twist is that the law would apply only to parents, not to kids. If you’ve ever had a teenager and you started to sing in public, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Typical reactions include the rolling of the eyes, the shaking of the heads, and acting as if they’ve never seen you before. Similarly, if you talk in a normal voice, but they think it’s embarrassingly loud, they would feel that a mere fine would be too lenient of a punishment.

But the law was not written by teenagers to apply to their parents. It was written by adults to apply to everybody. The part I find most intriguing is that it’s not the decibels that are the issue. It’s whether the sounds somebody makes annoy somebody else. The knee-jerk reaction to this law is that it’s too broad. I think it may actually be too narrow.

Why stop at sounds that are annoying to other people? There are lots of annoying things that people do in public that could be outlawed. Here are a few off the top of my head:

In a better world, people who wear T-shirts that read, “I’m with Stupid” shall be committing an offense in all 50 states and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. Anyone walking down the street and talking into one of those cell phones with the ridiculous ear things so you can’t tell if they’re talking to you, if they’re crazy, or if they’re just self-important, should be arrested and not allowed to text for 30 days. If you’re waiting for an elevator after you’ve pushed the button and someone joins you and pushes the button as if you wouldn’t have had the knowledge or experience to have done it yourself, that person should be taken to jail immediately. If you’re in a grocery checkout line, and the person in front of you has… You get the idea.

Everyone could make a list of things that other people do that they find annoying. It might even be people who ask you to make lists. Again, the fascinating thing about the Sullivan’s Island ordinance is that the crime is not based on the action of the perpetrator. It’s based on the reaction of other people. So you can “sing, hoot or whistle” as loud as you want if it doesn’t annoy anyone. On the other hand, if people have a negative reaction to what you do between 11:00 P.M. and 7:00 A.M., you’re in trouble. It’s because of this last fact that I must insist that, just in case, everyone in Sullivan’s Island only read my column either before eleven or after seven.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

Are you tired of the way nominees are grilled by Senators before they get the job? Well, get used to it. Because of today’s economy, an employer can subject prospective employees to just about any kind of interview. I managed to acquire a transcript of one of these interviews – I’m not saying I got it from a Russian spy at a kid’s soccer game last Saturday — and I have printed it below. It is the story of a young woman who has applied for a cashier’s job at a neighborhood super pharmacy.

HERBERT BARRINGTON: Mrs. Coogan, on behalf of management, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us to answer a few questions.

ELLEN COOGAN: You’re quite welcome, Mr. Barrington, but it’s Ms. Coogan, not Mrs.

ROGER MARSHALL: And representing labor, I’d like to welcome you too, Ms. Coogan.

COOGAN: Thank you, Mr. Marshall.

BARRINGTON: When you say you like to be referred to as Ms., is that just because you have no respect for traditional marriage, or have you decided to never get married?

COOGAN: I’ve never been married, but what does this have to do with the job?

BARRINGTON: So you hate men?

COOGAN: I don’t hate men. I just haven’t gotten married yet. I’m only 22.

BARRINGTON: What are you suggesting? That my 21-year-old daughter got married because she was pregnant?

COOGAN: I didn’t say that.

BARRINGTON: (MUMBLING ALMOST TO HIMSELF) We sell condoms in our own stores. She had to know that. She used to work here in the summers.

MARSHALL: Mr. Barrington.

BARRINGTON: (COMING OUT OF HIS OWN WORLD) Uh, yes. How do you feel about the rubber thumb issue?

COOGAN: I beg your pardon.

BARRINGTON: Many cashiers wear rubber thumbs over their God-given, real thumbs so they can separate bills more easily for counting. How do you feel about this practice?

COOGAN: I guess I feel it should be up to the individual to choose a rubber thumb or not.

MARSHALL: Good for you. She’s pro-choice.

BARRINGTON: (AGAIN, IN HIS OWN WORLD) We don’t even hide them anymore. We put them right out in the open, next to the batteries. How hard could it have been to …

MARSHALL: Ms. Coogan, were you involved in some volunteer work while at college?

COOGAN: Yes, I read to blind veterans.

MARSHALL: How admirable. I’d like the record to show that, I too, served my country by mowing the lawn in front of the post office and…

BARRINGTON: Let’s move on to a subject that concerns all Americans: Paper or plastic? If a customer has no preference, would you bag the purchases in a paper bag or in a bag made from the best plastic in the world produced by American trading partners?

COOGAN: Since you put me under oath, I’ll have to say I’d go with paper. Better for the environment.

BARRINGTON: The environment? So, you admit you’re a tree-hugger. I have here a copy of a paper that you wrote that is an example of radical environmentalism. You wrote this, did you not? (HANDS HER THE PAPER)

COOGAN: Yes, it was about putting pizza boxes in the recycling bin, and yucky leftover pizza in the regular trash. I wrote it in the fourth grade.

BARRINGTON: Have your views changed on this matter?

COOGAN: Not my views, but my spelling. Now I know that pizza has two “z’s.” Can we get back to talking about the job? How about benefits?

BARRINGTON: “Benefits?” The benefit would be that you’d have a job.

MARSHALL: Have we mentioned that she did community service work while she was in college?

BARRINGTON: Yes, and I was not impressed. Maybe some of those blind veterans would have learned to read on their own if she hadn’t taken away their initiative by reading to them.

MARSHALL: What?!

BARRINGTON: I believe in the maxim that if you give a guy some fish, he’ll have something to eat, but if you teach him to fish, uh, then he can always go fishing with his buddies.

MARSHALL: What does that have to do with Ms. Coogan?

BARRINGTON: I just think… hey, where are you going, Ms. Coogan?

COOGAN: This interview is just too much for me. I’m going to apply for a job that’s a little easier to get. There must be a Cabinet post that’s open.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

In case you don’t know who Ron Artest is, he’s a basketball player who hasn’t had a very good reputation. He’s caused problems on some of the teams he’s played for, he spent 10 days in jail because of a domestic abuse charge, and he’s best known for being part of a brawl in which he punched a fan at a game. So why am I saying that he is now a very important role model?

We’re used to hearing athletes after a victory thanking their mothers, coaches, and sometimes even their teammates. They often thank God, and that always seems weird to me to think that God was rooting for one team rather than the other. I’m not even sure He’s a sports fan. So when the Los Angeles Lakers recently won the NBA championship, it was a little shocking to hear Ron Artest saying, “I want to thank my psychiatrist.”

Artest seems to have turned his life around. He hasn’t gotten in trouble lately, he’s involved in some philanthropic causes, and he has started a program called Xcel University to help high-risk kids. Maybe his deciding to see a psychiatrist was another step in turning his life around.

I was somewhat amused by Artest’s thanking his shrink, but a week or so later, a friend of mine said what a great thing it was that Artest made that statement. My friend, Sandra, pointed out that it was good for an athlete like Artest to admit that he was seeing a psychiatrist.

I realized that Sandra couldn’t have been more right. Here was a tough, manly, macho guy telling the world that he was getting psychiatric help — and that it was working. That’s why I think, at least because of that moment, that he is an important role model.

Most male athletes — and maybe most males — have learned to keep their emotions to themselves. Think about the famous movie line, “There’s no crying in baseball.” There’s also no admission of fears, anxiety, or depression in any big-time sport. Players are taught to “man up” when something bothers them. When helmets were first mandated in hockey, many players said they didn’t really need them. If they have to act like they don’t care about their heads getting hit by a puck, they certainly aren’t going to feel comfortable admitting that something is bothering them inside their heads.

When they turn pro, athletes suddenly earn more money than they ever dreamed of. Strangers cheer their every move. And before you know it, they’re in a Holiday Inn with two hookers and enough drugs to sedate the entire population of Rhode Island.

I think teams should have a therapist on the payroll and make it mandatory that rookies see him or her at least once. After that, they should know that they can go to therapy as much or as little as they want. Maybe if they see that the veterans aren’t embarrassed to get help, they won’t be, either.

Like many people, athletes generally only get help after they’ve messed up big time. Maybe Ron Artest wouldn’t have been in that brawl if he  had already admitted to himself that he needed help. Maybe some of those athletes who take their guns with them to nightclubs would stay home with their families if they got help for their unspoken insecurities. Who knows? Maybe Tiger Woods would have behaved himself — or at least stopped at two or three.

Athletes are heroes to many people, especially kids. It’s refreshing that for once the message from a big time athlete is not that it’s cool to drive a car 100 miles per hour, that graduating is for geeks, or that the rules of marriage only apply to women. The message was that it’s cool to get help if you need it.

If a six-foot, seven-inch sports figure feels that there’s no reason to be ashamed about seeing a therapist, maybe at least a few people who are shorter than he is will feel the same way. Even if it’s silly, people still seem to believe that truly manly men are big, strong guys. I guess society hasn’t evolved enough to realize that the real manly men are those who look fear in the eyes and man up as they grind out a column every week, without even wearing a helmet.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at <lloydgarver.com> and his podcasts on iTunes.

Dear Diary: Well, it’s been a pretty heady time for me. A few days ago, I blocked that Presidential six-month moratorium on deep water drilling. That’s right, I overruled the President of the United States. How cool is that? I got your “separation of powers” right here, Obama. It’s no surprise, but some people feel I wasn’t the right man to make the decision just because I’ve had holdings in Halliburton and Transocean Ltd., two of the companies being sued because of this little oil spill accident. Picky, picky, picky.

Dear Diary:

Well, it’s been a pretty heady time for me. A few days ago, I blocked that Presidential six-month moratorium on deep water drilling. That’s right, I overruled the President of the United States. How cool is that? I got your “separation of powers” right here, Obama. It’s no surprise, but some people feel I wasn’t the right man to make the decision just because I’ve had holdings in Halliburton and Transocean Ltd., two of the companies being sued because of this little oil spill accident. Picky, picky, picky.

My decision was quite logical. What I said was, just because one rig failed, that doesn’t mean that other rigs present a danger. America is the country of second chances. We gave Bush a second term, didn’t we? We don’t know that this kind of oil accident will happen again. It’s like when a guy kills another guy. We don’t know that he’ll kill again, so why put him in jail? Give him another chance. If he kills somebody else, then you put him in jail.

I thought it was great when Congressman Joe Barton apologized to BP for everybody picking on BP. It’s a shame that he was pressured into an apology for his apology, but he did it in a graceful manner. I have it right here, because I may use the same words someday: “If anything I have said this morning has been misconstrued to the opposite effect, I want to apologize for that misconstrued misconstruction.” It’s just the kind of obfuscation I like for obfuscating.

I know that supporters of Obama’s drilling moratorium point out that the moratorium is not forever. It’s for six months, and during that period they’re supposed to figure out what went wrong and how to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. Doesn’t it make more sense to keep the other rigs drilling, and if we find out what went wrong, then just fix it?

There’s also been some talk about the Gulf area not being able to survive another disaster after this one. This is an insult to the people of the region. We’ve seen how resilient the people from New Orleans have been — well, those who didn’t move away.

This is the real world, and it’s not run by seafood, fish, and other wildlife. It’s run by us – federal judges who have been appointed for life. (I still can’t get used to that, my beloved diary). Let’s face it, which is more important: keeping stockholders happy or a little bit of oil on a few birds?

Of course, some people think I should recuse myself just because of all of the investments I have had in the oil business. They don’t feel I can be fair and impartial in this case. They believe it’s “conflicto interesto.” To them, I say, “tough-o nougie-ohs.” Like I said, I was appointed for life. Besides, my involvement in the oil industry does not affect my decisions on things. Last night, I went out to dinner – I got a great table, by the way. Anyway, I debated between the salmon and the filet mignon and went with the filet. Believe me, my choosing the steak had nothing to do with my involvement with the oil industry. That proves I can be impartial, doesn’t it?

That’s it for tonight, diary. Oh, I almost forgot. I got this fantastic fruit basket delivered to me today. There was no name on the card. Just initials. B.P.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

Since I come from Chicago, people often tease me about the politics of my home city and state. South Carolina is starting to take the heat off my homeland when it comes to scandals. First there was Governor Mark Sanford who claimed he was hiking the Appalachian Trail while he was actually on a trail to his Argentinean mistress. Then Nikki Haley, a candidate for the Republican nomination for Governor in the recent election was accused of having an extra-marital affair with a “conservative blogger.” Who accused her? The conservative blogger. The latest shocker came when a complete unknown with no ties to powerful politicians, who had not waged a smear campaign, and who made no campaign promises won the Democratic nomination for Governor. Naturally, the professional politicians were outraged.

 Since I come from Chicago, people often tease me about the politics of my home city and state. South Carolina is starting to take the heat off my homeland when it comes to scandals. First there was Governor Mark Sanford who claimed he was hiking the Appalachian Trail while he was actually on a trail to his Argentinean mistress. Then Nikki Haley, a candidate for the Republican nomination for Governor in the recent election was accused of having an extra-marital affair with a “conservative blogger.” Who accused her? The conservative blogger. The latest shocker came when a complete unknown with no ties to powerful politicians, who had not waged a smear campaign, and who made no campaign promises won the Democratic nomination for Governor. Naturally, the professional politicians were outraged.

Alvin Greene, an unemployed veteran, beat Vic Rawl, a former judge and state lawmaker, 59% to 41%.  Greene said that he ran because he had turned to the office of Republican incumbent (and candidate) U.S. Senator Jim DeMint for help in dealing with his disability, but got nowhere. When you listen to Greene talk, you certainly believe that he could have some sort of disability, so your heart goes out to him. When I first heard the story, it sounded like an old Frank Capra movie in which a non-politician, a man of the people who lives with his elderly father, whips the political insider. It was just too good to be true.

And it might be. In the movie version of this story, Greene would’ve made rousing speeches to the common man. Other veterans would have marched to protest the way in which they are mistreated all too often. He would’ve won debates with his simple, but honest talk. However, none of this happened. So how did he get elected? Also, he’s currently facing charges of showing pornography to a college student. How did that fact elude his opponents? Of course, usually college students are showing the rest of us pornography.

One theory is that since South Carolina holds “open primaries,” plotting Republicans were behind Greene’s election so that Senator DeMint would face an easy foe in the fall election.  However, this cynical plot would only work if the bad guy politicians had put Greene’s face in front of the voters, if they got throngs of people to show up for rallies, and if they had organized a huge grass roots movement for him to help him win the election.  None of these things happened. So even if you believe that some untrustworthy Republicans got his name on the ballot, how did they make him win while keeping him a secret?

Race has been a staple of political scandal, and it has come into this story. State Senator Robert Ford said that he thinks Greene won because he’s an African American. (He’s not the same Robert Ford who killed Jesse James). Anyway, Ford theorized that the reason Greene won was that even though nobody knew who he was, he got a huge percentage of African American votes because his name ends in an “e.” According to Ford, “No white folks have an ‘e’ on the end of Green. The blacks after they left the plantation couldn’t spell, and they threw an ‘e’ on the end.”

So, he’s saying that when African Americans see “Greene,” they think black. I don’t know. When I see “purple,” I don’t think “orange.”

Besides, what about Revolutionary War hero Nathaniel Greene, writer Graham Greene, and, of course, “Bonanza’s” Lorne Greene? They were all “white folks.” To make Ford’s definitely bizarre and seemingly racist statement all the more interesting is that Ford is black.  

If we learn that Greene is a seriously disabled man who really is unqualified for the job, it will be a sad situation. But the question will still be there: how did he get elected?

 I hope it turns out that Greene is legit. I hope it’s the movie plot in which the simple American citizen defeats the professional politicians just because he is a simple American citizen. On the other hand, if it turns out that chicanery has taken place in the Palmetto State, none of us will be surprised. As I said before, South Carolina is replacing the Windy City and the Land of Lincoln as the home of weird politics. In fact, this replacement might have already taken place. After all, I can’t remember the last time I heard a newscaster or a late night host utter those two famous words:  Rod Blagojevich.  

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

One thing our Founding Fathers were sure of is that they didn’t want a king in this new country. They didn’t want one person to be regarded as something so special that people would have to bow down to him and treat him almost like a god. Well, I wonder how the founding fathers would feel right now as there is a campaign throughout the country regarding someone known as King James.

One thing our Founding Fathers were sure of is that they didn’t want a king in this new country. They didn’t want one person to be regarded as something so special that people would have to bow down to him and treat him almost like a god. Well, I wonder how the founding fathers would feel right now as there is a campaign throughout the country regarding someone known as King James. In case you’re one of those people I don’t understand who’s not a sports fan, this young man’s name is actually LeBron James, he’s a great basketball player, and his contract is up. As James decides where he’ll play basketball next, ordinary citizens and government officials are treating him like, well, a king.

James is a fantastic player, he’s charismatic, and would bring baskets full of cash to whatever city lands him. He wears Number 23 on his jersey, but in the free-agent market, he is Number One. He’s only 25 years old, so he probably has many years of basketball left. If you have teenage kids that you’d like to pursue a higher education, don’t let them hear LeBron’s story. He never went to college, and his next contract will probably be in the hundreds of millions of dollars. That’s nine-figures! The downside, of course, is that he has missed out on cramming for organic chemistry and analyzing “The Scarlet Letter.”

Yet, some people think he’s a bargain. His being on a team guarantees more people in the seats, and his being in a city means more visitors, more full hotels and restaurants, and more forged autographs being sold on the street. That’s why so many people are kissing this king’s ring, or something else of his.

For the past seven years, he’s played in the not so flashy city of Cleveland. Now, flashier places like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles are trying to lure him away from that city on Lake Erie. James is from Akron, Ohio, just a few of his giant steps from Cleveland. This is one of the reasons that he just might stay and play in Cleveland. One Clevelander has started a website called pleasedontleave23.com. There’s also a 212 member LeBron James Grandmothers’ Fan Club. The Cleveland Orchestra has made a video praising LeBron, as has Ohio’s Governor Ted Strickland.

Chicago Bulls fans have a website called, “sendLeBrontochicago.com.” David Geffen, media mogul, music producer, and all around rich guy has said that if he can buy 51% of the Los Angeles Clippers, he “guarantees” that he can get LeBron to join that hapless team. And then there’s New York.

New York City has a campaign called “C’mon LeBron” that includes T-shirts, billboards, and messages on taxis begging James to come to New York. New York’s Mayor Bloomberg actually made a video trying to get LeBron to take a bite of the Big Apple. Fortunately, it’s not a music video, but it’s still unseemly and embarrassing. Some might even think it’s blasphemous (a word that I don’t think I’ve ever used in a column before). At the end of the video, the mayor says, “As the Good Book says, lead us to the promised land.” And then with a wink and bad comic timing he adds, “And that’s a quote from the King James version.”

I know what it is to be a sports fanatic. I admit that I have watched the exact same Sports Center show more than once in a four-hour period. But this goes way beyond the usual abnormal behavior of sports fans. I understand that it’s about money and civic pride, but how much pride can a place have if it’s willing to do anything to get a 25 year old kid to play a game in their city?

In case you don’t think it’s more than a bit weird that James has gotten all this attention, there’s more: President Obama has weighed in on the subject. First he said that it would be great if James played in Obama’s hometown of Chicago. Then I guess his advisers or pollsters told him that statement was a mistake, so Obama said it would be nice if James stayed in Cleveland.

That’s right. The President of the United States actually gave his opinion on this issue of vital interest. Who’s next? The Dalai Lama? Could be. “Come on, LeBron, play in Tibet. We won’t just give you money. If you sign for five years with an option for six plus revenue sharing for public appearances, I’ll throw in the secret of life.”

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

The line between what is male and what is female continues to blur. Stereotypes are dropping every day. A doctor is not automatically a man; a nurse is not automatically a woman. A pilot can be a female; a flight attendant can be a male. A jerk can be a man or a woman. Someone buying makeup is not necessarily a woman. Today there is even a category of men called, “metrosexual.” No, that doesn’t mean people who like to have sex on the subway. It refers to men who pay attention to their appearance in a way that stereotypically used to be considered strictly female. The latest woman-man crossover is the girdle for men. It was bound to happen, wasn’t it?

The line between what is male and what is female continues to blur. Stereotypes are dropping every day. A doctor is not automatically a man; a nurse is not automatically a woman. A pilot can be a female; a flight attendant can be a male. A jerk can be a man or a woman. Someone buying makeup is not necessarily a woman. Today there is even a category of men called, “metrosexual.” No, that doesn’t mean people who like to have sex on the subway. It refers to men who pay attention to their appearance in a way that stereotypically used to be considered strictly female. The latest woman-man crossover is the girdle for men. It was bound to happen, wasn’t it?

Some call this men’s girdle a “mirdle.” It’s not exactly a girdle because of where it’s worn. However, it has the same “compression technology” that has been used for some women’s undergarments. (An example of this technology in female underwear is actually called the “bra-llelujah).” The most popular of these new male mentionables is a T-shirt/undershirt that emphasizes a man’s muscles and minimizes his fat. To me, it just looks like a fifty-dollar undershirt.

For decades, women have campaigned to be entitled to whatever men have. Now it’s the male gender’s turn to feel entitled to something that has often been the province of women – spending money to move fat around their bodies. (I never really understood the physics of this. If fat is squeezed in one area of the body, doesn’t it just pop up somewhere else)?

So in addition to all of the male cosmetics that have become big sellers in recent years, now we have the male slimming garment. I’m sure soon there will be men wearing “mantyhose.” There are already underpants for men that have padding in them to give the illusion of having a bigger butt. (Why would … who knows)? In this era of the sexual equality of spandex, both women and men can satisfy their obsession with making some body parts look smaller and other parts bigger.

Why now? What is it about this era, this zeitgeist that’s making men grab $58 slimming T-shirts off the racks faster than they can sing, “I Feel Pretty?” We are in a recession. Money is supposed to be tight, not underwear.

I assume those buying these garments rationalize it. Maybe they’d say it’s cheaper than plastic surgery – as if accepting how you look isn’t even an alternative. Maybe they’re hunting for a job, want to look their best, and feel this new kind of underwear will help them get hired. Okay, but I just can’t picture a guy going for a job interview without that butt padding and then after he leaves, those who do the hiring talking about him like this: “He was very qualified, his references were good, and he really seemed to have a handle on what we do here. Obviously, we can’t hire him. His butt’s too small.”

It’s possible that all this male over-primping might actually be costing guys jobs. Say a man has a job interview in the morning. He gets up and weighs himself. Then he takes a shower using lavender soap. He washes his hair with a volumizing shampoo followed by an almond conditioner. He dries himself off and looks in one of his way-too-many mirrors. He applies a male cover-up to a blemish. He shaves very carefully, making sure that his shave doesn’t make him look as if he’s shaved. (Could someone please explain this fashion to me)? Next, he puts on his new slimming and muscle-popping undershirt. He slips on his underpants with the butt pads. He finishes getting dressed and checks himself out in yet another mirror. He looks great. Everything’s perfect. So why won’t he get the job? By the time he finishes primping and getting dressed, he’s two hours late for the interview.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

According to the Los Angeles Times, some Wall Street firms don’t care if a new job applicant went to business school or studied finance. The applicant probably didn’t even have to graduate from high school. The firms are much more interested in how the young man or woman plays poker. That’s right, sometime during the job interview, the interviewer takes out a deck of cards and deals.

According to the Los Angeles Times, some Wall Street firms don’t care if a new job applicant went to business school or studied finance. The applicant probably didn’t even have to graduate from high school. The firms are much more interested in how the young man or woman plays poker. That’s right, sometime during the job interview, the interviewer takes out a deck of cards and deals. Another demonstration of Wall Street’s love affair with poker is that at least one trading firm has their new traders play poker for one full day a week.

Many of those who apply for investment jobs are good at poker because of their experience playing online and watching on television. What is the typical personality of someone who spends hours alone at home playing poker with other people who are alone in their homes? He or she doesn’t exactly sound like a “people person.” In televised poker tournaments, the players who are successful are often dressed like cowboys or sport heavy jewelry like Mr.T used to wear. In this time of precarious finances, would you want these people to handle your money just because they once won a big pot with a six-high-straight?

Some financiers take this poker thing quite seriously. Aaron Brown, an executive director at Morgan Stanley has written a book called “Poker Face Wall Street.” In it, he advises investors to embrace risk, not avoid it. Isn’t that what got America in so much trouble? Is that what we need now, more risk and less caution? Are these “experts” so unhappy with the economy making somewhat of a comeback that they want to see it fall apart again? Try telling the autoworkers in Detroit that risk should be what guides their pension plans again. They’d be tempted to run you over with that new Camaro.

Some point to the fact that people like Bill Gates, H.L, Hunt, and Kirk Kerkorian liked to play poker when they were younger. They probably also liked to sleep, but nobody is pointing to a good mattress as the key to riches. I have the feeling that there were other things besides playing poker with his buddies that made Bill Gates one of the most successful people in the world. It’s just possible that in addition to knowing that a flush beats a straight, Gates is inventive, smart, and creative.

I’m not saying that game playing can have no part in preparing one for success. If you were to ask President Obama about games, I have the feeling he’d say that basketball teaches the player about preparation and teamwork, and about winning and losing. I’d have to agree, but I still wouldn’t ask Charles Barkley to invest my money for me.

About those poker playing investment traders: While there is something to be said for people having the experience of gambling with their own money before they gamble with a client’s, I don’t want someone who’s investing my money to think of it as a game.

Poker might not even be the best game that prepares a young trader for his profession. How about leapfrog? That teaches people how to jump over others, not caring if they knock them over. That could be a game that helps Wall Street types to get ahead. Tic-tac-toe teaches you that some people will play the same game over and over again even if nobody wins. That’s perfect training for grinding out commissions over and over again. One of my favorites is the preschool game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.” I have no idea how this game could prepare someone for Wall Street, but I’d still love to see a video of those guys in their three piece suits, telling their assistants to hold their calls while they run in a circle calling out, “Duck, Duck, Goose.”

Theoretically, a poker face makes it impossible for anybody else to know what you’re holding. Then you can bluff and finally you can put all the money in the pot. They call that “big time poker.” A little while ago, that kind of manipulation was called, “selling sub-prime mortgages and worthless paper.”  

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

You probably don’t know his name, but Jack Dorsey came up with what might be the most important invention of the 21st century — Twitter. It must be important, because the Library of Congress is going to house every “tweet” that’s ever been twittered. So here’s a memo to those who work at the Library: Move that copy of the Declaration of Independence out of the way, put that first edition of de Tocqueville’s “Democracy in America” somewhere in the back, and find some other place for the contents of Abraham Lincoln’s pockets on the night of his assassination. Make room for messages like, “I should really wash my hair.”

You probably don’t know his name, but Jack Dorsey came up with what might be the most important invention of the 21st century — Twitter. It must be important, because the Library of Congress is going to house every “tweet” that’s ever been twittered. So here’s a memo to those who work at the Library: Move that copy of the Declaration of Independence out of the way, put that first edition of de Tocqueville’s “Democracy in America” somewhere in the back, and find some other place for the contents of Abraham Lincoln’s pockets on the night of his assassination. Make room for messages like, “I should really wash my hair.”

In case you don’t know, Twitter is an online “social network” in which people say just about anything they want as long as it’s 140 characters or less. You can reach millions of people instantly. It’s as if you were shouting out your window. Really loudly. Every message is called a “tweet.” Some 55 million tweets are posted every day. That makes billions of them so far. Approximately 75,000 tweets have been sent since you started reading this column. I guess they’re going to have to install a few new shelves in the Library to make room for all those tweets.

The Twitter folks suggest that those using Twitter answer the question, “What are you doing?” So the vast majority of tweets are similar to the ego-thoughts that appear on Facebook and MySpace. You find things like, “My head itches,” “I don’t know what to make for dinner,” or “I look really good in green.” These are the kind of statements that will be shelved next to rare copies of the Bible, notes from the House UnAmerican Activities Committee, and that 130-year-old edition of Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass.”

Maybe I’m not being fair. In addition to daily drivel, there have been some news scoops on Twitter. That’s one of the interesting things about it. If you happen to see a tsunami coming your way, all you have to do to let the rest of the world know about it is to type something like, “Whoa, big wave coming. Looks like a tsunami. Get to safety, but first warn everyone you know about it.” Of course, I don’t know if sitting and typing while a tsunami is heading your way is the wisest course of action.

Another example of the site being used for an important purpose occurred when President Obama announced that Joe Biden would be his running mate simultaneously using e-mail, text messages, and Twitter. Presumably, the next time the United States decides to go to war, we will announce our intentions on Twitter: “We warned you, you didn’t listen, so here we come.” On the other hand, just think of all the lives that would have been saved if Twitter had been available in the past. When a warring country was ready to quit, instead of calling for a peace conference and waiting for it to convene while the war raged on, heads of state could have just written, “Surrender. Enough already.”

One drawback of Twitter when it is used for newsworthy events is the 140 character limit. This could cause problems like this: “Have just discovered a cure for the flu virus. I haven’t told anybody else what the secret is. It was really very simple. All I did was syn” Then what happens if the person typing that important message has a heart attack before he’s able to finish his thought, start up another tweet, and pass on his secret to anybody else? If he had just told the researcher who sits across from him instead of tweeting…

If you have the same first reaction that I did, you’re probably thinking that the trivial stuff that’s usually on Twitter has no business in the Library of Congress. However, after thinking about it some more, I feel it’s perfect for the Library to tackle the tremendous task of tagging all the tweets that have been twittered every since twitterers started talking in tweets. Yes, most tweets are trivial. However, this kind of personal trivia is precisely what millions of people are involved in every day. So it will certainly give future generations an idea of how people spent their time in the beginning of the 21st Century. Don’t you think it’s important for those future earthlings to understand why people in our time cared whether a stranger was just about to shave? I’d certainly like to know.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

The mob is back in Las Vegas. (This assumes that the mob ever left). Soon there will be two museums dedicated to gangsters of the past. You’d think that Las Vegas would want people to forget its mob origins. Nope. In fact, the mayor, Oscar B. Goodman (who has represented many alleged mobsters) is very excited about the “Las Vegas Museum of Organized Crime and Law Enforcement.” (No, this is not my April Fools Day column). The mayor is somewhat upset because there is a rival museum that is scheduled to open soon. According to The New York Times, this other one is subtly named the “Las Vegas Mob Experience.” I hope the forces behind the two museums don’t settle their differences like the people they honor did.

The mob is back in Las Vegas. (This assumes that the mob ever left). Soon there will be two museums dedicated to gangsters of the past. You’d think that Las Vegas would want people to forget its mob origins. Nope. In fact, the mayor, Oscar B. Goodman (who has represented many alleged mobsters) is very excited about the “Las Vegas Museum of Organized Crime and Law Enforcement.” (No, this is not my April Fools Day column). The mayor is somewhat upset because there is a rival museum that is scheduled to open soon. According to The New York Times, this other one is subtly named the “Las Vegas Mob Experience.” I hope the forces behind the two museums don’t settle their differences like the people they honor did.

One of the folks involved in the Las Vegas Mob Experience is Antoinette McConnell, the daughter of Chicago crime boss – I mean, alleged crime boss – Sam Giancana. The place they have in mind will actually resemble a theme park more than a museum. One of the planned exhibits will be called, “Final Fate.” In this one, to get a feel for the way things were, a visitor has a chance of getting “whacked.” The little kids will love that one, won’t they?

Giancana’s daughter makes no bones, oops, no pretense about her father’s occupation. In fact, she says, “The Mafia is something people can’t get enough of.” When I close my eyes, I imagine how proud she’ll be when they cut the opening day ribbon with a knife that has been wiped clean of all fingerprints. It’s the kind of tribute that any daughter would like to give her late, beloved father.

I admit that I enjoyed going to Las Vegas back in the days that the mob ran the place. Allegedly. If you play blackjack today, your dealer is likely to be a pretty, young woman who decided to take that job instead of selling real estate. Back in the old days, it was a lot more exciting to have a scary looking dealer whose pinky ring was just slightly smaller than his head.

I’ve enjoyed watching movies and reading books about gangsters. I loved to watch “The Untouchables” on TV when I was a kid. However, in all of these earlier instances, the criminals were the bad guys. Maybe they fascinated us, but we weren’t building a tribute to them. As much as it might be fun to sometimes romanticize these people, they were criminals. They weren’t Robin Hoods. They were just hoods.

Mayor Goodman probably thought he had a way around this by not just naming the museum the “Las Vegas Museum of Organized Crime”, but adding “And Law Enforcement.” Yeah, right. Which exhibit do you think more people would be drawn to: one about John Dillinger being gunned down after he was lured to the movie theater by the “lady in red” or one that tells where F.B.I. agents buy their shoes?

So what’s behind these mob veneration ventures? What do you think? Money. The people who put together the deal for the Museum of Organized Crime and Law Enforcement were able to buy an old federally owned building for only one dollar. That’s because the building will be used for “cultural purposes.” The transported and rebuilt wall from the St.Valentine’s Day Massacre qualifies as culture? I guess it was between the crime museum and a new opera house.

Those behind these museums/theme parks hope they’ll bring in lots of money. They believe Las Vegas will get booming again because of interest in organized crime. Sounds like the old days. Like the old days, this gangster gambit has official support. Only this time it’s not under the table. The $42 million museum (the one the mayor likes) has been financed by state, federal, and local grants. And you thought the government wasted money on silly things.

But this is America, and I guess you can build whatever you want here. I know I’m not going to be the one to tell Giancana’s daughter that she can’t have what she wants.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

This whole Tea Party thing is somewhat confusing. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that people who are upset about politics are participating in protests rather than being apathetic. However, some things that they’re saying don’t make sense to me. The big cry is, “Give me my country back.” Where do they think their country went? Did they have a bad dream in which they wake up and suddenly can’t find all of the states? “Oh, no! Didn’t Delaware used to be over there? Whoever took it, should give it back.” And who do they think took it? Was it some country with fewer problems than we have? Are they calling out in this dream, “Hey, Monaco, we know you took our country. That’s not right. You don’t even have room for it.”This whole Tea Party thing is somewhat confusing. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that people who are upset about politics are participating in protests rather than being apathetic. However, some things that they’re saying don’t make sense to me. The big cry is, “Give me my country back.” Where do they think their country went? Did they have a bad dream in which they wake up and suddenly can’t find all of the states? “Oh, no! Didn’t Delaware used to be over there? Whoever took it, should give it back.” And who do they think took it? Was it some country with fewer problems than we have? Are they calling out in this dream, “Hey, Monaco, we know you took our country. That’s not right. You don’t even have room for it.”

Many of us were surprised by the recent demographic statistics that showed the Tea Party is not a movement consisting of people who have been unfairly deprived of achieving the American Dream. Tea Partiers say they don’t want the government so involved in their lives, yet the majority of them are in favor of Social Security and Medicare. In other words, they are against the government spending money on programs to help people except for the programs that they like. The majority of Tea Partiers are wealthier than the average American, better educated, and own nicer homes. So they achieved the American Dream. They just don’t care if anyone else ever gets to have that dream.

Just what are they unhappy with? What do they think has changed too much? Do they yearn for a time when there was runaway spending by the Bush Administration? They shouldn’t worry about that. We’ve still got runaway spending. Do they miss the days when we waged a senseless war in the Mideast? Cheer up. We’re still waging that war. Are they afraid that since Obama was elected, Wall Street’s traditional greed has been halted? There are two words that should get rid of this fear: “Goldman Sachs.” So where’s the “socialism?” What are the “radical” moves Obama has made?

Is it just about health care? Come on. Is there one American who either personally or through his or her family hasn’t had a horrible experience with a doctor, a hospital, or an insurance company? I don’t know any. Besides, if for some reason, you love your nice, caring insurance company, nobody’s making you change to something else. That doesn’t sound so radical to me.

So why are they upset with the Obama Administration? It goes beyond the Democrats who were upset with Bush becoming President. These are not the usual feelings that those among the political “outs” have for the political “ins.” There are some things having to do with the anger that these people feel towards Obama that is over the top. I’m talking about the out and out disdain, the name-calling, the drawings of Obama looking like Hitler that are displayed at their rallies. This is not just the traditional American rhetoric of those who were disappointed that their people were voted out of office. This is unabashed hatred.

I’m thinking of forming my own political group and calling it the Cola Party. I want my country back, too, and not just the good old America in which Coke only cost a dime. I would love to see the old America in which people could disagree politically, but still respect each other’s opinions — and their right to have them. Give me back my America in which people could calmly discuss their differences without calling each other un-American. Is it really “American,” is it really “patriotic” to not act this way?

Those who are actually spewing disgusting invective or bringing those Nazi posters to the rallies might very well be on the fringe of this fringe movement. I’m certainly not suggesting that everyone in the Tea Party is filled with this venom. But I worry that too many of them are.

So what makes these Obama opponents so much angrier, so much more threatened, and so much more involved in using violent images than Americans who haven’t liked previous Presidents throughout our history? It’s a mystery, isn’t it? Lets see. What is it about President Obama that’s different from all the other Presidents who’ve come before him? Maybe it’s not really such a mystery after all.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at and his podcasts on iTunes.

It wouldn’t shock anyone to learn that San Francisco recently passed a resolution to make Mondays “VegDays.” Everyone in the city will be encouraged to eat vegetarian meals and to avoid eating meat every Monday. Don’t worry. There will be no Vegetarian Police, clad in green outfits, barging into people’s homes to make sure that they aren’t having lamb chops on Monday night.It wouldn’t shock anyone to learn that San Francisco recently passed a resolution to make Mondays “VegDays.” Everyone in the city will be encouraged to eat vegetarian meals and to avoid eating meat every Monday. Don’t worry. There will be no Vegetarian Police, clad in green outfits, barging into people’s homes to make sure that they aren’t having lamb chops on Monday night. This is not just a movement by people who want their fellow citizens to eat less meat to be healthier. The people behind this resolution point out, “If everyone in San Francisco eats a plant-based diet just one day a week for a year, we would save over 378,600,768 pounds of greenhouse gas emissions. That is the equivalent of taking 123,822 cars off the streets of San Francisco.” I wonder how many of those 123,822 cars are on their way to pick up a Big Mac.

Vegetarianism has, of course, increased over recent years. So it came as a big surprise to me to learn that some people are clinging onto meat. The weirdest way that they are consuming meat products is in their cocktails. They’ve given a whole new meaning to Beefeater gin.

Some hip,”in” bars are serving drinks like “Bring Home the Bacon.” That’s a concoction that contains beef bullion, vodka and a garnish of deep-fried bacon and a prosciutto-stuffed olive. Beef bullion doesn’t sound all that over the top. However, would you want to drink a cocktail containing elk bullion? There is an elk based drink called, “Big Eye Bloody Bull.” Sounds really appetizing, doesn’t it? Where do you even buy elk bullion? I’ve never seen it on a grocery store shelf, have you?

This infusion of meat into people’s lives during the vegetarian revolution doesn’t stop at the corner bar. According to “Time” magazine, more and more people are butchering their own meat. I’m not kidding. People are butchering their own meat in their kitchens, right next to that beautiful white tile that they spent all that money on. Now, I would never suggest that all this home butchering would save the same amount of greenhouse gas emissions as VegDay. However, in one way this meat movement is “green.” That’s the color I’d turn if anyone ever did any butchering in my kitchen.

The last time I heard about a cleaver being in a home kitchen, she was named June. However, the author of “Julie and Julia,” Julie Powell, has published a new book called, “Cleaving” about home butchering. I can hardly wait to see the movie in which Meryl Streep prepares a romantic dinner by chopping off a pig’s snout.

So what’s this culinary counterrevolution all about? Why are people bringing dead animals into their kitchens? Why are they excited about a dinner of braised hoof? I have a theory. In these difficult economic times, people want to hold onto something that they’ve always felt was special. Meat has traditionally been a symbol of wealth and good times. When people want to celebrate something, they have often celebrated with the most expensive meat they can find, not with an avocado and sprouts sandwich. So maybe the attitude is, “You can take away my raise. You can take away my fancy car, you can even take away the house I bought with ridiculous credit three years ago. But keep your hands off my meat.”

Evidently, to some people, meat is an economic comfort food. Maybe when their finances are back up where they want them to be, they will look back and laugh at the time they moved yesterday’s mail, the laptop, and their kid’s relief map of South America off the kitchen counter so they could make oxtail soup from scratch.

So is it possible to reconcile these polar opposites of vegetarianism and meat-ism? I think it is. I think both sides can be happy. All the people who serve that elk bullion cocktail have to do is make sure that the menu states that the bullion is made from free range elk.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

If it had been a movie, Butler’s Gordon Hayward’s last shot would have gone in.  But it wasn’t a movie, it was real life.  It was the NCAA Championship game and real life spoiled things for an amazing Butler team, for about 60,000 (out of the 70,000) people in the arena, and for millions of people the country who were rooting for the little school that almost could.  The score was close the whole game, and Duke’s winning 52-50 probably made the defeat all the more painful for Butler.
If it had been a movie, Butler’s Gordon Hayward’s last shot would have gone in.  But it wasn’t a movie, it was real life.  It was the NCAA Championship game and real life spoiled things for an amazing Butler team, for about 60,000 (out of the 70,000) people in the arena, and for millions of people the country who were rooting for the little school that almost could.  The score was close the whole game, and Duke’s winning 52-50 probably made the defeat all the more painful for Butler.  

It was an excitingly emotional game. Up and down, tied, up and down some more. It was the kind of game you didn’t want to end.  Butler University, a school only a few miles from the arena, a school with about 4,000 students, was considered the underdog this season no matter whom they played and no matter how high their ranking soared in the national polls. People love an underdog. In sports and in life. We get much more excited to hear a success story about someone who started with nothing rather than one about a kid who was born rich and then succeeded.

The non-sports fans always seem to ask why people who are seemingly mature in other ways will get so involved in a game. They don’t understand that getting so involved in sports, getting so wrapped up in watching a game, is a great break from the realities of life. In those last few minutes of the Championship game, I guarantee you nobody there was thinking about the economy, foreign policy, or whether their kid had married the right person. They were either rooting for a team they had cheered on for years or for a team they felt symbolized the optimistic mantra of “Anything’s possible.” And maybe then they felt that anything’s possible for them. Maybe they can solve those problems in the “real world,” maybe they can get a job or a promotion, maybe they can get that person at work to smile at them.

It was fitting that Butler’s Hayward took that final half-court shot. Butler has often been compared to the school in the movie “Hoosiers.” If so, then Gordon Hayward was “Jimmy,” the kid who could do almost anything with the basketball, a kid who looked so very Middle American in this sport that had its origin in Middle America.

After the game, I felt a little depressed as reality was slowly creeping into my mind. “I have to pack, would I make my plane connections tomorrow? (I didn’t), I have a lot of work to do when I get home,” etc.

Reality can be an annoying thing. It disturbs our dreams. It often spoils our good times. But for reality to join fantasy — like during an “unreal” basketball game — is a wonderful gift for those who are lucky enough to be present for it.

I was at that championship game in Indianapolis, and sitting behind me was a very tall man who looked like he had definitely played basketball. He turned out to be the Olathe, Kansas girls high school basketball coach (and science teacher) Joel Branstrom.  A couple of months before this game, he had been in the news because of something that happened at a pep rally at his school. Some kids blindfolded him, then told him that if he could make a half-court shot, he’d win tickets to the Final Four. Branstrom, a former basketball walk-on for the University of Kansas, made the half-court shot blindfolded. The kids were shocked, and then admitted that they didn’t have any tickets for him.  It was just a prank.  There was that annoying reality again.

But somehow, the NCAA got wind of this whole thing and sent Branstrom tickets for the championship weekend.  So there he was, sitting behind me with his family, a big smile on his face, watching one of the most exciting games in history.  For him, reality had joined fantasy.

If it worked for him, if one of his dreams could come true, maybe it can work for the rest of us once in a while. Let’s face it: making a half-court shot blindfolded sounds impossible. It is impossible in the world of reality, but not in the world of sports.

By the way, when Gordon Hayward missed that long shot at the buzzer, I wonder if Branstrom was thinking, “How could he have missed that? He wasn’t even blindfolded.                     

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

Suppose you’re driving along and you happen to be behind an armored car.  Suddenly, the back door of that armored car flies open, a bag of money hits the street, splits open, and cash starts flying all over the place.  Would you slam on your brakes, get out of your car in the midst of traffic, run over to the bag, stuff as much money in your pockets as possible, run back to your car, get out of there as fast as you can, and think they’re was nothing wrong with what you just did?  I didn’t think you’d do something like that.  Neither would I,  but that’s exactly what several people did  recently when this actually happened in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio.Suppose you’re driving along and you happen to be behind an armored car.  Suddenly, the back door of that armored car flies open, a bag of money hits the street, splits open, and cash starts flying all over the place.  Would you slam on your brakes, get out of your car in the midst of traffic, run over to the bag, stuff as much money in your pockets as possible, run back to your car, get out of there as fast as you can, and think they’re was nothing wrong with what you just did?  I didn’t think you’d do something like that.  Neither would I,  but that’s exactly what several people did  recently when this actually happened in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio.

The first thing I thought about when I heard the story was how could the back door of an armored car fly open allowing a bag of money to fall to the street?  I’ve been driving for a long time, and I’ve never had any money fly out of my car,  and I don’t even drive a special vehicle whose sole purpose is to safely drive money around.

The other thing, of course, was the behavior of the people who grabbed the money. $100,000 is still missing. ($100,000? I guess that was a pretty big bag). Maybe they rationalized that they were taking the money from a big, unfeeling, faceless bank or corporation, not from “regular people.” But that money that was bouncing around in the armored car probably belong to “regular people.”  It could have been  your money going to or from a bank.

Maybe another rationalization was that obviously, the money was insured, so “nobody got hurt.”  Your house is probably insured.  If you were robbed, would you think that “nobody got hurt?”

Call me a Pollyanna, but I generally feel that people are good, honest, and responsible.  That’s why I was so disappointed to learn the way so many people acted.  I worried that maybe I’d been wrong all these years about my positive views of my fellow men and women. It shook up my entire perception of the world.  If people are willing to run out of their cars in the middle of traffic to grab money that’s not theirs, who knows what else they’re capable of doing? Maybe some people actually do things like cheat on their income taxes, take drugs so they can play sports better, or take their neighbor’s  newspaper early in the morning to check last night’s sports scores.

So I decided to conduct an experiment.  I would walk up to people with money in my hand, and ask them if it was theirs.  I started with quarters and I would usually be near a store’s cash register to make my scenario believable.  “I think you might have dropped this,” was my line.  But every person I approached that way said to me, “No, that’s not mine.”

I even went to a video arcade where quarters are like gold.  There were two kids in there who were either doing research for a paper on video games or were ditching school. The one whose jeans were around his knees actually dropped a quarter as I walked in.  After he picked that up, I presented him with one of my quarters and said, “I think you dropped this one, too.”  The kid declined the quarter, saying it wasn’t his. (He actually said, “Not mine, dude).”

I decided to up the ante.  I was walking in a crowded shopping mall with my hands in my pockets and purposely “dropped” a $20 bill to the floor and continued to walk.  I was practically tackled by two people, coming from opposite directions, telling me that I dropped the twenty.  They also admonished me, saying I should be more careful with my money.

As I put the $20 bill back in my pockets, I smiled.  People really are good. Then how do I explain the actions of those who stuffed their pockets and fled? There are plenty of plausible explanations. For example, maybe that’s the one street in America where people don’t act properly.  Maybe they plan to give the money to charity.  Maybe they thought it was play money.  The important thing is that I proved that people really are trustworthy.

By the way, if you see me walking around, don’t bother following me, hoping that I’ll purposely be dropping money on the ground.  My experiment’s over.  It was a one-time thing. I have faith in people, but I’m not going to push my luck.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com Check out his website at and his podcasts on iTunes

We all know that getting the Health Care Bill passed by the House of Representatives was not easy. However, it was a good civics lesson for children. They learned that if the minority is unhappy with what the majority decides, those who support the minority call the people in the majority offensive names and spit at them. Some make threatening phone calls.We all know that getting the Health Care Bill passed by the House of Representatives was not easy. However, it was a good civics lesson for children. They learned that if the minority is unhappy with what the majority decides, those who support the minority call the people in the majority offensive names and spit at them. Some make threatening phone calls.

This spitting is might be the oddest reaction. As we learned during the swine flu panic, we should always cover our mouths when sneezing or coughing. Certainly, spitting directly at someone can be equally unsanitary. And to do it when the conversation involves health undermines the spitter’s political position.

Some people feel the Health Bill went too far, and others feel it didn’t go far enough. Therefore, it seems appropriate for me to discuss some of the things it does and does not cover as well as some of the ramifications of the bill.

Millions of parents were probably thrilled to learn that from now on, their children will be allowed to be covered by the family’s insurance plan until the kids are 26. As Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, because of this bill, college graduates would be able to pursue their dreams instead of worrying about getting their own health insurance right away. They won’t have to find jobs they have no interest in just to get health insurance. On the other hand, some parents might be less than thrilled about their kids not having to find jobs for a few more years.

The new bill will insure 32 million Americans who don’t have insurance now. This might be the most significant and positive part of the Health Care bill. And to each of you who was opposed to insuring these people: “No, all 32 million people will not be in your doctor’s waiting room at the same time, fighting over that three-year-old copy of “People.”

Let’s talk about a few important things the Health Care Bill doesn’t cover. Currently, if you’re five minutes late for a doctor’s appointment, he or she gets angry with you. But if the doctor makes you wait for an hour, you don’t even get an apology. I hope the Senate will be wise enough to address this in a Being Late In A Doctor’s Office Bill. Here’s my suggestion to them: If you’re more than 15 minutes late for your appointment, you pay double. If the doctor’s more than 15 minutes late, your visit is free. I guarantee this problem will go away.

Funds should be set aside for some necessary research. For example, it’s about time medical science figured out why we get the sickest on weekends when our doctors aren’t in their offices. And you know that pain that is so bad that we insist on seeing the doctor right away? Well, someone should discover why it disappears right when we walk into the doctor’s office. And don’t you think they can come up with something better than the paper we have to lie down on when we’re being examined? Doctors used that same kind of paper when they used to bleed people.

What about those gowns? Put this arm in this hole, don’t put that arm in that hole, wrap it around you, then tie it in the back. What are we, escape artists? I’m sure medical researchers can come up with a better robe. After all, these are the same people who found a solution for “restless leg syndrome.”

One of the most frustrating things about being a patient is getting conflicting opinions from different doctors. I understand that sometimes professionals have different views about things, but there should be some consensus on the questions that trouble us the most. Let’s invest some of that Health Care money to get a definitive answer to one of the oldest and most important questions in Health Care: Heat or ice?

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

I’ve always been confused by Starbucks, the great American Institution and symbol of yuppies and carefree consumerism. This is the place where the smallest cup of coffee is called a “Tall.” Depending on what you order, you can easily spend two or three dollars for a cup. They offer cappuccinos, tea, and scones. In other words, it’s the sort of place with the kinds of products mocked by right wing opponents of vegetarians, elitism, and free-range chicken pot pies. That’s why I was surprised to learn that some gun-toting, 2nd Amendment-loving customers were sitting in Starbucks, sipping green tea. So much for stereotypes.

I’ve always been confused by Starbucks, the great American Institution and symbol of yuppies and carefree consumerism. This is the place where the smallest cup of coffee is called a “Tall.” Depending on what you order, you can easily spend two or three dollars for a cup. They offer cappuccinos, tea, and scones. In other words, it’s the sort of place with the kinds of products mocked by right wing opponents of vegetarians, elitism, and free-range chicken pot pies. That’s why I was surprised to learn that some gun-toting, 2nd Amendment-loving customers were sitting in Starbucks, sipping green tea. So much for stereotypes.

It just seems weird to think of Starbucks being a hangout for urban cowboys and cowgirls. You’ve got to admit that it’s odd to think of someone who spent the last few hours cleaning his gun standing in line patiently so he can say, “I’d like a decaf grande’ cappuccino, with a biscotti on the side.” Being a fan of legend, I hope he’ll add something from the tough cowboys of the Old West like, “And barista, you make that soy instead of milk… or else.”

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

It was revealed recently that President Obama’s bad cholesterol has gone up 42 points since 2007. Apparently, his diet is not as healthy as it was before. He’s also still smoking. His Republican adversaries did not leak these revelations. His Press Secretary didn’t begrudgingly admit them. On the contrary, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs implied that this proves that the President is not an effete eater, someone Republicans might describe as a latte-drinking, salad-grazing liberal. “You guys think he eats carrots and celery,” said Gibbs. “There’s more cheese burgers, fries, and pie than you previously knew.” The subtext of that, of course, is that Obama isn’t just this Harvard-educated lawyer who’s a great orator. He is also a regular guy who likes unhealthy food and smokes even though he knows he shouldn’t. Why is it so important for politicians to be thought of as regular guys?It was revealed recently that President Obama’s bad cholesterol has gone up 42 points since 2007. Apparently, his diet is not as healthy as it was before. He’s also still smoking. His Republican adversaries did not leak these revelations. His Press Secretary didn’t begrudgingly admit them. On the contrary, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs implied that this proves that the President is not an effete eater, someone Republicans might describe as a latte-drinking, salad-grazing liberal. “You guys think he eats carrots and celery,” said Gibbs. “There’s more cheese burgers, fries, and pie than you previously knew.” The subtext of that, of course, is that Obama isn’t just this Harvard-educated lawyer who’s a great orator. He is also a regular guy who likes unhealthy food and smokes even though he knows he shouldn’t. Why is it so important for politicians to be thought of as regular guys?

Obama really went over the regular guy line when he sat down for a lunch in Savannah, Georgia with a plate piled high with fried chicken, beans, sweet potatoes, greens, and macaroni and cheese. The worst part wasn’t what he was eating (the regular guy food). It was when he turned to the people there and said, “Don’t tell Michelle.” That’s good old-fashioned wink-wink, nod-nod, scratch your belly, manly punch to the shoulder Regular Guyism. At least he didn’t say, “Don’t tell the old lady.” Who does he think he’s kidding? Does anyone believe that he and the First Lady really have that kind of “I’m the king of this castle” marriage?

Of course, he’s not the first President or Presidential hopeful to try to cloak him- or herself in Regular Guyism. Dukakis in the Jeep and Hillary Clinton throwing back shots on the campaign are just two examples. George W. Bush was a master at Regular Guyism. Here was a man who was born into a wealthy, powerful, political family of the Northeast. He went to college at Yale, and got his Masters Degree at Harvard. But I never heard him allude to any of these things. He passed himself off as an outsider to politics and a “regular guy.”

Those running for office don’t put on airs, they take them off. Intellectualism and even intelligence are often mocked and rarely thought of as good qualities for a President. Some pundits feel that Scott Brown, the new Senator from Massachusetts, was aided in his election by the fact that he drove an old pickup truck – a “regular guy” vehicle.

I don’t buy into Regular Guyism. I don’t want a President who is just a regular guy (or gal). I want a President who is special. I want a President who is consumed by the unbelievably difficult job he has and not one who is consumed by the rumors that McDonalds will soon be bringing back the McRib. I know it’s heresy in America, but forget a pickup truck. It wouldn’t bother me if a President didn’t even know how to drive, and majored in French in college -– as long as he was dedicated to keeping our country safe, turning around the economy, and keeping Americans free and equal. I’m not turned off by a President who is educated. I want a President who is smarter than the average guy on the street. Let’s face it, would you want a President with my intelligence and personality? I wouldn’t.

To many people, having the very traits that they might admire in others are things they reject in political candidates. They see those who are highly educated, who seem overly serious, and who love things like the arts as “phonies.” And they don’t want a phony for a President.

Ironically, what actually happens is that the candidate or President who doesn’t want to appear to be a phony becomes a phony as he pretends to be a Regular Guy. The Republicans would be better off exposing Obama as a phony Regular Guy than wasting their time on things like insinuating that he’s not really a citizen or that his wife’s arms are too muscular. Let Mitch McConnell or one of those guys stand up and say, “I’ve got news for you, America. Obama is a phony. He might pretend to be a regular guy, but he’s not. He’s actually a brilliant, articulate, capable man who cares about our country’s problems far more than he cares about who will win the next Super Bowl.”  Then just watch Obama’s popularity drop like it’s never dropped before.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.”  He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.  He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.