Sadly, Flatulence No Longer Has A Place At The Airport
As many of you know, I have a fear of flying. What many of you don’t know is that I also have a fear of being seen naked. Until now, I had the comfort of knowing there was almost no chance of both happening at once, unless I somehow ended up on one of those nude flights, where I would quickly be arrested for refusing to return my tray to its upright position for take-off.
As many of you know, I have a fear of flying. What many of you don’t know is that I also have a fear of being seen naked. Until now, I had the comfort of knowing there was almost no chance of both happening at once, unless I somehow ended up on one of those nude flights, where I would quickly be arrested for refusing to return my tray to its upright position for take-off.
But now, thanks to the latest development in airport security technology, I no longer have to wait until I’m actually in the air and vomiting into the seat pocket in front of me before I can experience total humiliation. That’s right. I can now get things rolling before I even board the plane by stepping into a special X-ray booth and having an airport security professional see me completely naked.
According to the U.S. Transportation Security Administration, the technology has been around for several years but hasn’t been introduced as an anti-terrorism tool because of privacy concerns.
“We have now found a way to blur certain areas of the images that would otherwise be too detailed for some people’s comfort,” said TSA spokesman Alto Leering. “It’s a great alternative to a strip search — You know, unless you’re into that sort of thing.”
The machines are currently being tested in Phoenix’s Sky Harbor International Airport, as well as London’s Heathrow Airport, where Prince Charles recently helped demonstrate how areas of concern could be blurred for privacy.
“As you can see, you cannot discern how large my ears are,” he said to reporters. “And my shim-shim is completely gone.”
The press conference ended soon after, when TSA officials admitted there were no alterations applied below the Prince’s ears.
“But when you consider what we were able to do with his ears, you can image what we could do with a standard ‘shim-shim,’” officials said.
Needless to say, this has not helped ease my fears. In fact, it has made them worse by introducing the word ‘shim-shim’ into my vocabulary. Regardless, I thought doing some research to get a better understanding of this new technology might help.
Naturally, I was wrong.
We’ll begin with the name of this technology. I was hoping for something either a) extremely technical, suggesting years of exhaustive research and training, or b) something friendly that would make me feel looked upon in my nakedness with compassion. Instead, I ended up with c) “BackScatter,” which sounds like what could happen if I forget to remove my cell phone before I step infront of the X-ray.
I should also point out that, in addition to revealing metal objects, the images can also help identify the presence of nitrogen, which appears as a cloudy area on the image; nitrogen is emitted by plastic or liquid explosives.
It is also emitted by humans when they flatulate.
As I already stated, I get nervous when I fly.
It doesn’t help knowing I could be tackled by airport security because of a “cloud” on my X-ray that comes as the result of a Taco Bell value meal and my extreme anxiety over flying.
And I don’t even want to think of what will happen if bomb-sniffing dogs become part of the scenario.
So, I’d like to thank the TSA for giving me another reason to freak out the next time I have to fly somewhere. I’m already thinking I’ll need to take a seditive to help with my nerves.
Unless, of course, it gives me gas.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR. 97439)
Our Marines: Ridden Hard & Put Away Wet
Now here’s a touchy subject — recently there’s been spate of suicides by Marines who have just returned home from Iraq and Afghanistan. But here’s the really touchy part: These suicides have all taken place on stateside Marine bases. One Marine recently escaped from a hospital at Camp Lejeune, got hold of a gun somehow and shot himself right there on the base. And another Marine at Quantico jumped in front of a train.
http://jpstillwater.blogspot.com
Now here’s a touchy subject — recently there’s been spate of suicides by Marines who have just returned home from Iraq and Afghanistan. But here’s the really touchy part: These suicides have all taken place on stateside Marine bases. One Marine recently escaped from a hospital at Camp Lejeune, got hold of a gun somehow and shot himself right there on the base. And another Marine at Quantico jumped in front of a train.
However, the Marine high command at these bases is fully aware of this problem and is doing something about it. According to one official Marine publication, “Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the Marine Corps. Even one death by suicide is too many. It is a tragic and preventable loss, causing untold grief to loved ones and units, and is of highest concern to the public, legislators, the Commandant, and all Marines. In addition, suicide and suicidal behavior at all levels can take a tremendous toll on the readiness and resources of the unit involved. For all these reasons, suicide awareness, prevention, and intervention must be of highest priority to all Marines, and especially Marine leaders.”
Returning troops at the major stateside Marine bases are now being routinely shown training films and PowerPoint presentations regarding how to deal with suicidal tenancies — but still. You gotta be pretty damn desperate to jump in front of a train. How many more of our Marines are that desperate? And if so, how did they get that way?
Here’s my personal opinion, based on time spent in Iraq embedded with the Marines. I may be wrong about this, but here it is. “American Marines compose the finest fighting force EVER. Forget about Romans and Spartans. Our guys are the best.” So what happened? Why all the suicides? “Because our Marines are being stretched far too thin. American Marines are being asked to defend the interests of an international corporate structure that has its octopus-like tentacles spread out all over the entire globe. That’s far too much territory to expect even our fabulous Marines to defend.”
But what inflames me even more is that the international corporate structures that our Marines are so gallantly defending aren’t even American corporations! Perhaps one day long ago they USED to be American corporations — but that was back in the days before outsourcing.
Our Marines are being asked to stick their fingers in [dams] all over the world so that wealthy international corporations all over the world can reap the profits. It’s not even Americans who are reaping the profits any more. No wonder our Marines are so stretched. They are daily and constantly fighting the never-ending battles of Endless War so that men who owe NO allegiance to America — or American workers or American Marines either — can make grossly disproportional profits off of others’ pain.
Our Marines are being ridden hard and put away wet so that corporations who don’t even pay taxes in America can still have their billionaire bottom lines protected.
And our Marines do this, day after day, year after year, serving hard time in places like Iraq and Afghanistan and Kenya. And WHY do they keep doing it? Because they are Marines — the best fighting force EVER. And our Marines’ abilities are not only being wasted by being spread too thin throughout the world to the point that when (not if) we will someday need them here at home, there may well be too few of them left to defend America proper and it will be too late.
The international corporations benefit from our Marines’ presence. And the Marine Corps pays the price. And, apparently, individual Marines are paying an even greater price. This fractured practice of using and misusing our Marines has just got to stop.
PS: According to the Jacksonville Daily News, “Camp Lejeune Marines…in the aftermath of the death of a colleague who shot himself during a police chase aboard base Monday said instead of the needed psychiatric treatment they sought they were given a cocktail of antidepressants and sent back to work.” Yes, nine long years of constant war does have a tendency to grind our troops down. Even World War II didn’t last that long.
And we may have unearthed just the tip of the iceberg here. According to Jacksonville’s www.jdnews.com, “A total of 48,086 mental health related visits for all Naval Hospital clinics aboard Camp Lejeune were recorded in fiscal year 2009. In fiscal year 2010, there have been 26,609 mental health related visits through March 31, said Lt.j.g. Tony Skrypek, department head for TRICARE Operations at Naval Hospital.”
Also, according to Salon magazine, PTSDs may still not be getting properly treated at Camp Lejuene — despite all the recent PowerPoint presentations going on. “Internal documents and e-mails show that Navy officials unfavorably doctored a psychiatrist’s performance record after he blew the whistle on what he said was dangerously inept management of care for Marines suffering combat stress at Camp Lejeune, N.C.” http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2010/01/31/camp_lejeune
PSS: And here’s a quote from my usually reliable Marine Mom source: “I’ve heard several Marines say that Afghanistan is the ‘Worst place on earth’. So instead of sending our Marines out to fight in the countryside over there, let’s start sending out the Afghan Army and Afghan police troops that we have been training for approximately 10 years — and leave the U.S. troops back on base.”
Marine Mom also sent me this video about the recent Nashville flood disaster: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjaQoOdJvI. “Shouldn’t some of our money have gone to help Nashville — instead of pouring billions into Afghanistan?”
PPPS: The Marines aren’t the only ones being ridden hard and put away wet. The American people are too. While corporatist lobbies are happily siphoning America’s wealth off in order to protect their own interests, we could have used all that money on preventive infrastructure measures back here at home, so that the Nashville flood could have been prevented — not to mention the Ohio flood and Katrina.
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Here’s the link to a Salon article on the subject: Navy supervisor doctored whistle-blower’s records: Fired after criticizing sub-par care for Marines, a psychiatrist finds his good personnel reviews turned to bad. ….As Salon reported in November, Manion warned superiors, on multiple occasions and in writing, that mental healthcare at Camp Lejeune was overwhelmed with Marines suffering psychological injuries from combat. It was a toxic environment, Manion argued, that would only contribute to a rapidly escalating suicide epidemic in the military. http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2010/01/31/camp_lejeune
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Recommended blog article on this subject: Mental care stays are up in military: Disorders outpaced injuries in 2009. http://travelregisterednurse.blogspot.com/2010/05/mental-healthcare-for-troops-draws.html
Texas ‘Guardsman’ Takes Down ‘Oklahombre’ Doolin
Bill Doolin and his outlaw gang with the catchy name “Oklahombres” robbed a bank in Longview, Texas on May 23, 1894 and got away with $4,000 in cold cash.
Bill Doolin and his outlaw gang with the catchy name “Oklahombres” robbed a bank in Longview, Texas on May 23, 1894 and got away with $4,000 in cold cash.
For 10 years, the son of an Arkansas cotton farmer was a workaday cowboy with nothing more than his skill with a six-gun to distinguish him from the other ranch-hands in the Oklahoma Territory. And he might have spent the rest of his days toiling in law-abiding anonymity if not for a chance encounter with a couple of Kansas constables in 1891.
Doolin was drinking beer with friends in a saloon, when the local lawmen crashed the party. They demanded to know whose beer it was, and Doolin piped up, “Nobody owns it. It’s free. Help yourselves.”
Instead of accepting the gracious invitation, the constables declared the foamy brew was illegal in Kansas and announced their intention to pour it out. Doolin cautioned them against taking such rash action warning that someone was liable to get hurt.
But the would-be prohibition agents ignored his advice and proceeded to do their duty. Guns were drawn, shots were fired and both cops fell dead to the floor.
Bill Doolin realized in an instant that he had nothing to gain by waiting around for the authorities to determine who fired the fatal shots. He jumped on his horse and rode off to join three brothers, who had graduated from cattle rustling to robbing trains and banks.
The Daltons welcomed their old friend with open arms remembering what a great shot he was. Doolin proved to be a valuable addition to the gang and took part in numerous holdups and several shootouts over the next year and a half.
Then in October 1892 Bob Dalton’s ego finally got the better of him. Driven by a mad ambition to outdo the James and Younger brothers, he concocted the suicidal scheme of robbing two banks in the same town in broad daylight.
So how did Doolin miss out on all the fun at Coffeyville, Kansas? One story has him looking for a replacement for his lame horse as his comrades are being shot to pieces by the irate citizens of that targeted town. Another alleges he quit the gang after arguing with Bob Dalton over his expected share of the loot.
The third and least plausible version comes from Emmett Dalton, the only brother to survive the slaughter. He claimed in his memoirs written years later that brother Bob fired Doolin for being “too undisciplined,” “wild and unruly” and “mentally awkward.”
Whatever the reason for his no-show at Coffeyville, the demise of the Daltons provided Doolin with a terrific business opportunity. By the spring of 1893, he had organized a gang of his own with the coolest name in the Old West.
The “Okahombres” included at any given time George “Bitter Creek” Newcomb, Ol Yantis, Little Dick West, Roy Daugherty (aka “Arkansas Tom Jones”), Charley Pierce, Dan “Dynamite Dick” Clifton, Bob Grounds, George “Red Buck” Weightman, Alf Sohn, Little Bill Raidler, Tulsa Jack Blake and Bill Dalton, the last of the brothers on the loose.
With this formidable supporting cast, Doolin went on a three-year crime spree in the Oklahoma Territory with an occasional side trip to North Texas. He soon had not one, not two but all three of the legendary “Guardsmen” on his trail.
The trio of U.S. Marshals assigned to the Oklahoma Territory rarely pooled their resources in pursuit of a single outlaw or outfit. But the only way to stop Doolin and the Oklahombres was for Danish-born Chris Madsen, formerly of the French Foreign Legion, Bill Tilghman, who later made a motion picture of his exploits, and Heck Thomas, a bounty hunter that turned down the Texas Rangers for the marshal appointment, to work together.
While Madsen was off fighting with the Rough Riders in Cuba, young Evett Dumas Nix filled in for him. Only an inexperienced marshal like Nix would have tried to take on the Oklahombres on their home ground, the outlaw stronghold of Ingalls, and he paid for his bad judgment with no arrests and a shot-up posse.
Tilghman had better luck in January 1896. Receiving a tip that Doolin was taking the cure for his rheumatism in the mineral waters at Eureka Springs, he disguised himself as a preacher and caught the next train for the Arkansas spa.
The Guardsman got the drop on Doolin in a bathhouse and took him into custody without firing a shot – or throwing a punch, as some accounts had it. On the “perp walk” to the federal lockup in Guthrie, hundreds of fans cheered the “king of the outlaws.”
On July 5, 1896, Doolin broke out of jail taking between 12 and 37 other prisoners with him. He hid out at the Mexican ranch of western writer Eugene Manlove Rhodes before returning to the Oklahoma Territory for his wife and child.
But Marshal Heck Thomas was waiting, and on the night of Aug. 25 he walked right into the Texan’s trap on a dark road. Doolin got off one or maybe two rounds with his pistol before Thomas and a deputy opened up with a shotgun and a rifle.
The famous bare-chested photograph of the dead desperado shows many of the 21 bullet holes that ended Bill Doolin’s life at age 38.
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