Hypnosis Can Make You A Better Golfer — Unless You Think You’re A Chicken

Our universe is full of mysteries. Easter Island. The Bermuda Triangle. California. And perhaps the biggest mystery: Why I am allowed to golf.Our universe is full of mysteries.

Easter Island.

The Bermuda Triangle.

California.

And perhaps the biggest mystery:

Why I am allowed to golf.

Afew years ago, I participated in the Florence Chamber Golf Tournamanet. At the time, no one — including myself — realized how bad a golfer I really am. Though none of the injuries sustained during that year’s tournament were life threatening, having six golfers (two of whom were playing the hole behind me) knocked unconscious by balls with my initials on them — I thought — would become my golfing swan song.

(Speaking of which, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize once again for the tragic death of that swan near the putting green. Had I known the difference between a putter and a pitching wedge, things might’ve turned out differently for that majestic creature.)

Because of this, I fully expected a letter from the American Golf Association (and PETA) denying me access to any course that doesn’t include a windmill and tokens for a free hot dog.

Needless to say, when I was asked back for a second year, I naturally assumed that, at some point, hard liquor had become available in the clubhouse.

As it turns out, being the worst golfer in Ocean Dunes Golf Links history actually makes me a hot commodity! That’s right! With my handicap, the only way a team I’m on can lose is if, over the course of 18 holes, I accidentally knock each of my teammates unconscious with my backswing.

Which is why I’m determined to make my next golfing experience different.

How?

By hypnotizing myself into believing I’m a good golfer.

That’s right. Thanks to golf hypnotherapist Dr. Kenneth Grossman, I will utilize the power of my subconscious to golf in a manner that is, quote:

Relaxed, self-confident and — unless I purchase both CDs — amazingly like that of a chicken.

The program, called Hypnosis for Golf (available at www.hypnosis4golf.com) comes with a no-risk guarantee that if I’m not completely satisfied, my money will be refunded “… within a period of time considered reasonable by many third-world countries.”

Like many of you, I was a little skeptical about the idea of hypnotizing myself because I figured it meant standing in front of a mirror with a shiny object and repeating:

You’re getting very sleepy.

Very sleeeee-peee

Very s-l-e-e-e-e-p—

THUD.

That was silly, of course.

Dr. Grossman is a man of science, and his method is scientifically proven to induce the trance-like state necessary for self-hypnosis. This is achieved by having the subject go to a quiet room and, for 15 to 20 minutes, watch golf on television. If you happen to be among those who are more resistant to hypnosis, then switch to bowling. However, Dr. Grossman warns that prolonged exposure can send subjects into a catatonic state similar to a coma. If that happens, change to something more stimulating, such as the blue screen on your auxiliary channel.

I plan to practice Dr. Grossman’s technique each day until I can approach the fairway with complete (entirely unfounded) confidence.

I’d also like to say to my golfing friend Randy, if for some reason I don’t show up, I’d appreciate it you would come over and change the channel.

(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR. 97439)