Last-Minute Gift Shopping? Don’t Forget The Pepper Spray

When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray.

 (Flashback from 12-10-2005)

When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray.

At least, that’s according to the Bureau of Shopping Statistics, which says that personal protection devices are big sellers during the holiday season. This is further supported by ex-NRA spokesman Charleton Heston, who once said, and I quote:

“Get your paws off me you dirty, stinking ape!”

What this means, of course, is that I’ve had too much coffee, and therefore should be the last person in possession of any type of weapon. It also means that the threat of apes uniting to take over the world using pepper spray is very real — which makes Christmas the perfect time to arm your loved ones with a personal protection device capable of stopping your average primate.

(If there are any English students reading this, that last paragraph was called a “segue,” which is a tool that writers often use when they:

a) Lose their point

b) Lose their mind

c) Stay up late watching Planet of the Apes.)

Like most people, you’re probably asking yourself why you’re sitting here reading this when you should be out there SHOPPING.

The reason is simple: I’m going to tell you about what is arguably the most exciting personal protection device since the pocket-sized poodle.

I’m talking, of course, about the ultimate personal protection device — The SpudChunker.

Let me tantalize you with a testimonial from a man who readily admits that his wife was once very intimidated by his SpudChunker.

But not anymore.

“Now, not only is she comfortable handling my SpudChunker, she even has her own!” — Bill Spencer, Sidney, Neb.

What is this amazing device, you ask?

(Or, more importantly, will I stop with the sexual innuendo before I lose my job?)

Take a moment to visit www.spudchucker.com, and you will discover the newest addition to the world’s personal protection arsenal: a high-velocity potato gun capable of sending a 2 inch “spud plug” 300 yards or better (depending on wind, trajectory, and whether you prefer curly or regular fries.)

You’ll be glad to know that these guns are available in 3-foot, 4-foot, double-barrel and even “tennis-ball-barrel” models — which could come in handy should you ever be attacked by Andre Agassi.

When scanning the website, you’ll notice the phrase for serious spudders only repeated many times, often followed by an exclaimation point.

There is a very good reason for this:

Meth-heads, they are.

With the holiday shopping season drawing to a close, I hope this information will be helpful to you.

And in the spirit of the holidays, remember that love sometimes means having to say you’re sorry — especially if you happen to get pepper spray on your loved one’s SpudChunker.

(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR. 97439)