Too Stupid To Live

As Uncle Hugh used to say, “The only thing stupider than a chicken is two chickens. So if smarts mean survival, how come we still have enough chicken to feed all the preachers in Texas every Sunday?”

Haven’t been here for a while, so it’s been way too long since an episode of TOO STUPID TO LIVE!!!

And our first contestants are: The Threaders of Texas and their customers.

Or, people who pay other people to pull their hair out.

No, not a new trend in S&MB&D; although probably on the way to an adult bookstore near your church even as we speak, but an ancient technique for hair removal.

Understand that at my age, removing hair is really sort of a sore subject.

No pun intended.

OK, I lied. Completely intentional.

I remove enough hair just taking a shower to reprise a Broadway show.

But people are picky.

They dread losing hair in the right places while expending time and money to get ride of it in places TeeVee deems unsightly.

But vanity and evolution collide, and humans seem to consider earthworms and mole rats more attractive than chimpanzees or sasquatch, and a whole new lawsuit was born.

The ancient Oriental art of threading involves running over one’s body a twisted cotton string held between the practitioner’s teeth and fingers, entangling the unwanted hair and twisting it out by the roots.

Oriental art according to Sun Tzu.

It is supposedly less painful than waxing.

While deprived of any personal experience here, I suspect that a 150-grit random orbital sander is less painful than waxing.

But then Porter-Cable isn’t suing the state of Texas.

Which is what threaders are doing.

Texas requires a license to pull hair — at least to charge people to pull hair.

And said license requires about 750 hours of training, apparently none of which instructs one in how to tangle hair and twine.

The State of Texas is accused of meddling in the free pursuit of lassoing hair while flossing.

Threaders consider the license unfair, expensive, and irrelevant.

Sort of like pulling your hair in order to attract someone of the opposite sex, as though one would want to attract someone so shallow that he or she considers a hair out of place to be decisive in a relationship.

I refuse to make any litigation jokes about splitting hairs.

Do they ring doorbells in WHAT?

In a Williamson County suburb of Austin, D.C., a 40-year-old man is accused of threatening three boys with an AR-15, the civilian version of our continued commitment in Afghanistan, for ringing his doorbell and running away.

No poo, no burning paper sack, no Prince Albert in the can.

Ring the doorbell and run away.

Hysterical to anyone under 12.

Hysterically involving use deadly force if you’re 40.

So, let’s all go downtown and sort this out, Rambo.

Burglary 101

Lesson 1: Do not attempt to burgle a residence when the occupant is at home. They tend to call the cops, then pursue you, as did the resident of an East Sixth street apartment in Austin (Where else?) last week.

Lesson 2: Do not wear a bright red flannel coat and a ski hat. Clothing suitable for burglary should be difficult to describe. Not “Santa Claus with a head like a chicken…”

Lesson 3: City buses make poor getaway vehicles. Particularly when you board carrying a 12-guage double-barrel shotgun and a pillow case full of household items.

Lesson 3: Wait until dark.