Epic Failure
The Greeks had Odysseus. The Romans had Aeneas. The Anglo-Saxons had Beowulf. All these characters from ancient Western epic poetry could be considered heroes or sociopaths depending on your perspective. The same cannot be said about the first President of the United States of the 21th century, according to Elizabeth Gerteiny. To this poet from Connecticut, President George W. Bush was an epic failure of an American man who embarrassed not only his family but also haphazardly threw the rest of his countrymen collectively under the bus.
WESTPORT, Conn. — The Greeks had Odysseus. The Romans had Aeneas. The Anglo-Saxons had Beowulf.
All these characters from ancient Western epic poetry could be considered heroes or sociopaths depending on your perspective.
The same cannot be said about the first President of the United States of the 21th century, according to Elizabeth Gerteiny.
To this poet from Connecticut, President George W. Bush was an epic failure of an American man who embarrassed not only his family but also haphazardly threw the rest of his countrymen collectively under the bus.
Gerteiny captured these failures in her new 169-page book of poems, “The President of War, and the Cowards, Villians, and Fools behind Him: An Unfolding Record of the George W. Bush Administration 2001-2009 In Verse” (Xlibris.com).
The poet told The Lone Star Iconoclast that her inspiration for writing poems about Bush came once he stood on the flight deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln in front of the banner that read “Mission Accomplished.”
The event signaled the beginning of the U.S. occupation of Iraq in 2003; however, Gerteiny was impressed that Bush’s fellow Republican Dick Lugar immediately struck down the PR image of this warrior president.
“[Lugar] really lit into him for that. I thought it was wonderful, and I just had to write something about it. That’s really the first one in the book,” she said.
Gerteiny’s book is not an “epic poem” in the academic sense. However, it does tell of Bush’s journey as president with prose introductions of the events she described below in rhymed verse.
Her style fits with her nature: creative editorializing of historic events happening around her. Gerteiny explained: ”I’ve always written letters to the editor about various things, especially local things about historic preservation. It just naturally led into the Bush letters. Once I got started, I couldn’t stop.”
Her daughters in fact encouraged her to keep going by giving her a website as a present on Christmas.
Her style reminded this reporter of political songs sung around Irish/English pubs. Take, for example, the refrain from her “Tony, Tony, What a Phoney” poem about White House spokesperson Tony Snow: “Tony, Tony, What a phoney / All you spout is pure baloney.”
When asked about the stylistic resemblance, she replied that it was a coinicidence, although she admitted that she does “love” the ’60s Irish folk group The Clancy Brothers.
“I like poets who rhyme and have rhythym and alitteration. It’s not terribly popular these days. It’s blank verse and obtuse. I don’t think anybody can understand it except the guy who writes it,” she explained. “I think Dylan Thomas is wonderful, and he did use a lot of rhyme.”
Gerteiny crafted her works in her volume modestly like most poets.
“I have paper by the bed, and I jot it down so I won’t forget and if I fall asleep I wake up and there it will be. I have plenty of material to work with,” she said.
Gerteiny does indeed draw on Bush’s personality. Case in point is Bush’s use of nicknames such as “Pooty Putin” to describe the (supposedly) former leader of Russia.
“[Bush] has nicknames for everybody he likes. He calls (former Vice President Dick) Cheney ‘Vice,’” she noted.
Gerteiny failed to include certain events in her volume, one of which was the move by the United Arab Emerate to operate a U.S. port.
“I never did write any verse about it. I sort of wished I had,” she said.
Among her favorite poems are those about Bush’s brother, Jeb, the one the whole family expected to run for president.
“I think Jeb would have done a better job. Jeb isn’t a saint either. He helped his brother fix the election in 2000. He was among those getting names off the voter list, people who were going to vote for Democrats,” she said, adding that she didn’t want another Bush in the White House.
Of the most aggregious moments in the Bush record, Gerteiny points to “the war, of course,” though the environment takes her center stage.
“The thing that bothers me more than the war is the way Bush treats wildlife and the environment and the way he is willing to let all these animals die because of all the things big business wants to do. The mining. The drilling. The bulldozing. It’s horrible,” she said.
She added, “And trying to mess up Eisenhower’s little piece of Alaska because that would be such a small amount of oil. It would be useless. He’s so stupid and absolutely brutal.”
Gerteiny noted the public stewardship of evironment as the contrast between President Barack Obama and President Bush.
“[Obama] took care of so much of protecting the wildlife that Bush had done before he left office. There is more he should have done. But he has done a lot. Thank God,” she said.
So far, there hasn’t been a “Mission Accomplished” for Gerteiny in regards to Obama’s record; she said she preferred to wait for his actions to “bear fruit,” although she has realisitic expections.
“[Obama is] going to make mistakes. I think this Afghanistan thing might be a mistake, but I think overall he’s going to do the right thing. He has the right intentions. This makes so much difference. He has goodwill. This is something I don’t think Bush has,” she said.
However, Bush did surprise her at the end of his adminisation.
“I was waiting until the very last day to hear about a pardon of [former Vice President Dick Cheney’s former Chief of Staff I. Scooter] Libby. And it never came. Instead of that, he pardoned those two border agents that I thought he would never pardon,” she said.
Still, Gerteiny finds herself writing about Bush and his minions – much to her frustration – because they refuse to go away. She noted that Cheney and Libby both received awards by a neoconservative think tank in October: Cheney, the Keeper of the Flame award, and Libby, the Service Before Self award.
Gerteiny said of Cheney’s award, “They always avoid the fact that we had our terrorist attack while they were in office.” She added, “Presumably [Libby’s award] was because he took the rap for Cheney’s role in it. It showed them all dressed up in their tuxedos. They stood up there brazenly.”
So who knows when Gerteiny will return to translating French love poetry, a job she has put off since starting her Bush poems?
“I thought that as soon as I finished the Bush book, I’ll get back to that, but it seems like I’m still writing about Bush. I thought I could stop, but if he would just go and stay in his ranch and keep quiet, maybe I can do it. But so far I can’t,” she said.
Poll: Tax Rich To Finance National Health Care
Of all the proposals to finance universal healthcare in the United States, taxing the rich is at the top of the list for most Americans, according to a new poll.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Of all the proposals to finance universal healthcare in the United States, taxing the rich is at the top of the list for most Americans, according to a new poll.
At the bottom of the list was borrowing money from foreign countries (i.e. running up the national debt), the Associated Press poll showed.
The poll found that 57 percent of respondents favored taxing people earning over $250,000 a year in order to finance healthcare.
Yet the House bill passed last month calls for a 5.4 percent income tax surcharge on individuals who earn over $500,000 a year and households earning over $1 million.
Still, Majority Leader Harry Reid might include in the final bill an increase to the payroll tax to fund Medicare on income above $250,000 a year, the AP learned last week. The current Medicare tax is set at 1.45 percent of income, which is matched by employers.
The poll, based on landline and cell phone interviews with 1,502 adults from Oct. 29 to Nov. 8,was conducted by Stanford University with the nonpartisan Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.
Bill To Allow ‘Mentally Incapacitated’ Veterans To Buy Guns
A Senate bill carries in an amendment allowing U.S. military veterans who are designated by the FBI as “mentally incapacitated” to buy guns.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A Senate bill carries in an amendment allowing U.S. military veterans who are designated by the FBI as “mentally incapacitated” to buy guns.
The provision has not reached a vote, though its opposition was highlighted in a Mother Jones report last week.
This amendment was passed from the Senate Veterans Affairs Committee and supported by a key Democratic senator, Jim Webb of Virginia, himself a veteran.
Republican North Carolina Sen. Richard Burr explained the provision in a 2008 press release:
“The Veterans Second Amendment Protection Act would require a judicial body to deem a veteran, surviving spouse, or child as a danger to himself or others before being listed in NICS, which would prohibit the veteran from being able to purchase certain firearms.”
Burr added that the American Legion, Veterans of Foreign Wars, AMVETS, and the Military Order of the Purple Heart support the measure.
Even after the shooting at Ft. Hood Army base earlier this month, Burr still supports the amendment.
The provision, though, would eradicate portions of the Gun Control Act of 1968, which was adopted in the wake of the JFK assassination.
Task Force Formed To Prevent Financial Meltdowns
A new federal task force whose mission is to prevent financial meltdowns was launched last week.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new federal task force whose mission is to prevent financial meltdowns was launched last week.
The Financial Fraud Enforcement Task Force takes the place of a similar entity that formed after the Enron scandal in 2002.
Comprised of 20 federal agencies, the force will investigate and prosecute frauds in the mortgage, securities and corporate sectors.
The Justice and Treasury departments will lead the effort that includes the FBI, the Federal Trade Commission, and the US Postal Inspection Service.
Attorney General Eric Holder said that the group will be “relentless” in its investigations and sure at bringing charges.
Said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, “Doing so will help to stop emerging trends in financial fraud before they’re able to cause extensive, system-wide damage to our economy.”
Swiss To Open Books On U.S. Tax Cheats
Swiss authorities are about to open their books on U.S. tax cheats using Swiss bank UBS for cover.
BERN, Switzerland — Swiss authorities are about to open their books on U.S. tax cheats using Swiss bank UBS for cover.
The first 500 of roughly 4,500 names was given to the Swiss authorities at the beginning of this month.
But the first of many “on-going decisions” to make them accessible to U.S. tax authorities happened last week.
The type of U.S./UBS clients effected include those with over $248,040 in assets.
The records of nondisclosed accounts will be handed over if between 2001 and 2008, the acount had over a million francs, Swiss justice officials said.
This disclosure is a part of agreements Swiss and American governments entered in August.
Swiss banks are known being the world’s largest wealth manager.
46 TARP Recipients Miss Payment Deadline
Forty-six companies that received federal dollars last year missed their dividend payments to Washington as of Sept. 30.
NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — Forty-six companies that received federal dollars last year missed their dividend payments to Washington as of September 30.
The first recipient of the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) dollars to collapse was United Commercial Bank of San Francisco on Nov. 6.
The Washington Post reported that UCB’s failure cost taxpayers $299 million, and more failures of bailed out firms are expected in coming months.
However, critics of the TARP program are saying, “I told you so” because billions of taxpayer dollars were given away without question or strings attached.
Such was the case with CIT Group, whose business model consisted of borrowing cheap money cheaply only to lend it out again.
Once the credit markets dried up last year, the 101-year-old firm could no longer sustain its operations soundly, and should have declared bankruptcy in December 2008, an analyst told the Post.
Instead the Federal Reserve during the Bush administration unanimously approved CIT’s application to become a bank holding company, keeping it afloat with taxpayer cash.
But the firm’s problem loans increased to $2.3 billion six months later. It originally had $477 million in problems loans back in December 2007.
Now CIT is in bankruptcy since the Obama administration found the firm would not harm the economy if it failed.
However, the American taxpayers will not see the same protection on its $2.3 billion investment as CIT’s bondholders and customers, the Post noted.
Phillip Swagel, an assistant Treasury secretary until January, told the Post that failures such as CIT’s are “inevitable when you invest in hundreds of institutions, that some of them are going to go bad.”
U.S. Army To Shatter Record In Suicides
The suspected cases of Army suicides among active duty soldiers reported this year have reached 140, according to a top general.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The suspected cases of Army suicides among active duty soldiers reported this year have reached 140, according to a top general.
That’s well on the way to be a new record.
“We are almost certainly going to end the year higher than last year,” said General Peter Chiarelli, Army vice chief of staff.
One third of those suicides were of soldiers about to be deployed overseas, he added.
The reason for the rising rate was unclear.
However, the Army has started suicide prevention programs that “are making some progress,” he noted.
A downward trend in suicides started in March, he said, after a January and February that saw 40 suicides.
The AFP report, though, failed to specify exactly the nature of the suicide prevention program.
Karl Rove’s Book Due In March
The man known as “Bush’s Brain” will have his memoir released by March 9, 2010.
NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — The man known as “Bush’s Brain” will have his memoir released by March 9, 2010.
The title of Karl Rove’s book is “Courage and Consequence,” published by the conservative wing of Simon Schuster, Threshold Editions.
In a press release, Threshold explained, “Courage and Consequence frankly responds to critics, passionately articulates his political philosophy and openly explains the reasons behind his decisions in campaigns and the White House.”
Rove added in the PR statement that his role in the White House was “often-controversial.”
Rove resigned in August 2007 from his post as Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff to former President George W. Bush.
Threshold has published books by such conservatives as Glenn Beck and Mark Levin and will release former Vice President Dick Cheney’s memoir.
Former U.S. Diplomat To Reap Millions From Iraqi Oil
Peter Galbraith, a former U.S. diplomat who negotiated the Iraqi constitution, stands to make millions of dollars from Iraqi oil fields.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Peter Galbraith, a former U.S. diplomat who negotiated the Iraqi constitution, stands to make millions of dollars from Iraqi oil fields.
His stake came as a result those very negotiations along with his ties to a Norwegian oil firm, DNO, according to the Norwegian newspaper Dagens Naeringsliv.
Galbraith’s deal was that he would help the Kurds in Iraq gain control of oil development in their region of Iraq in exchange for payment for negotiating oil contracts between the Kurds and DNO, according to the Times.
Galbraith admitted to the scheme and payment of a five-percent stake in the Tawke oil field by DNO, said the report.
The Times estimated that the stake is work “reportedly $100 million.”
All during the negotiations, Iraqi politicians were not part of the process and Galbraith was advocating for Iraq to be cut into small countries; Krudistan would see its independence, he noted.
Galbraith told the New York Times that he was working as an independent consultant during the constitution negotiations and the oil deal, adding that he left U.S. government work in 2003.
“So, while I may have had interests, I see no conflict,” he said.
Galbraith was the number-two person in the UN’s mission in Afghanistan before getting fired for criticizing the legitimacy of Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s re-election.
Hersh: Obama Gaining Control Of Afghanistan War
President Barack Obama is gaining control of the war in Afghanistan, according to a veteran investigative journalist.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama is gaining control of the war in Afghanistan, according to a veteran investigative journalist.
Obama showed this when he stated he is not okay with the war options given to him by his national security team.
Seymour Hersh told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow that it’s about time.
“It could be huge, simply that the president’s finally saying, ‘I’m taking control,’” Hersh said, later adding, “Obama is just putting his foot down, and that’s great. He’s grabbing it and he hasn’t been grabbing it until now.”
Hersh explained that the fact that General McChrystal wrote his initial report at all was high unusual.
“There’s no general in history that will come back, given that assignment, and say “We can’t win,’” he said.
Hersh added that it was “big news” that the U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, former Lieutenant General Karl Eikenberry, told Washington that deploying more troops to Afghanistan was a mistake.
Eikenberry’s cable was a slap in the face of his fellow generals who graduated from West Point at the same time, including McChrystal, Petraeus, and Odierno, Hersh explained.
It also shows that the Army itself is more dissatisfied with McChrystal than has previously been made public, he added.
“Eikenberry is simply, I think, reflecting a huge split,” Hersh said, “because he’s now splitting from the McChrystal counter-insurgency wing that’s been dominated by Petraeus.”
In other words, the difference between Eikenberry and McChrystal is one of philosphy and practicality where Eikenberry knows “the history of occupations” while McChrystal doesn’t.
The Palin Defense
As Uncle Hugh used to say, “More folks know the town drunk than the mayor.”
This Week on
“Meet the Palins:”
Mom writes a “book;” even though she’s really never read one. Meanwhile, Todd starts drinking again, and hilarity ensues. Levi bare-ly appears in a girlie magazine, and Mom throws the “book” at him, then befriends a strange black woman. Todd starts drinking again, and hilarity ensues. Trig asks for an adoption for Christmas, but Mom gets him a talk-show guest spot instead. Todd starts drinking again, and hilarity ensues. Bristol starts dating again, and hilarity ensues.
Run, Sarah, run.
Ple-e-e-ease!
Truco Ricardo Perro
And then there was the one about the Mexican invasion of Presidio.
Lying Tricky Ricky Perry, the governor Texas didn’t want, accused the federal immigration service of importing thousands . . . or was it billions? . . . of illegal aliens to poor, defenseless little Presidio, a Big Bend town of 28,000.
It seems U.S. Customs and Border Protection (Did they think somebody was going to steal the border?) takes single Mexican men, 20-60, whom they catch in Arizona, down to Presidio and gives them some food and water, then sends them across the bridge, where Mexican cops load them on a bus and take them further south.
The idea was that if they paid some guy in Arizona to get them into the U.S., and they get caught and returned across the Arizona border, they might look at that same guy and point out that getting caught wasn’t part of the deal, and he might smuggle them back across in preference to getting a drywall hock up ‘side of his head.
If they get taken to Presidio, they can’t find that guy, and they just take the government bus back home.
Maybe try again later, maybe not.
Tricky neglected to mention that part about the government bus.
Instead, he said, folks in Presidio are gonna be stacking illegal Mexicans up like cordwood by sundown.
Oh, and he also neglected to mention that the Border Protectors have been doing this same thing in Eagle Pass for years.
Now, show me a stack of Mexicans in Eagle Pass.
Well, actually, Tricky Ricky may not have noticed that most of the inhabitants of Presidio and Eagle Pass are not Irish.
He also failed to notice, as most of the government has, that people in both places are perfectly capable of solving their own problems, if anyone cared to listen to them and give them a hand.
At least a hand that doesn’t have a green uniform or a politician attached.
Let’s face it. In a town of 28,000 people, most folks know who belongs there and who doesn’t.
Boom box defense
Mercenaries warded off a pirate attack on the Maersk Alabama this week by firing guns and playing high decibel noise.
The same guys will be cruising by your house in a low-rider Dodge tomorrow at 3 a.m.
You Destroyed Your Marriage
You’re not married.
And if you’re thinking about getting married, you can’t.
Remember your dead parents? Yeah, their marriage is null and void as well.
As of 2005, the entire institution of marriage was outlawed in the Lone Star State.
Who outlawed it?
You did.
When you voted for a constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage, civil unions, and domestic partnerships, you outlawed your own.
It took 22 words to do so.
If you don’t remember Subsection B, here it is:
“This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.”
So says Barbara Ann Radnofsky, a Houston lawyer and Democratic candidate for attorney general,
But she blames her Republican opponent current Attorney General Greg Abbott for not vetting the proposed law better beforehand.
Not you.
If you want to temporarily feel better, you can also blame the Republican-majority in the Texas Legislature for approving the amendment, too.
Radnofsky said she spotted the “massive mistake” while searching for cracks in Abbott’s political armor.
Abbott’s office and other conservative think tanks deny the clause makes any difference and vowed to defend the amendment as a whole in court.
Of course, their marriages are extensions of God’s love, right?
At risk on earthy Texas, however, is that insurance companies of all sorts could exploit this law to their benefit, Radnofsky warned.
By the way, Abbott is a former state Supreme Court justice; he’s been attorney general since 2002.
We have yet to hear whether Abbott will run again as an incumbent or make a move for lieutenant governor.
And remember that lieutenant governor has more power in state government than the governor, according to Texas law.
Who knows? Abbott running Texas might be a good thing. Maybe he can help us ban oxygen.
And maybe Radnofsky can re-read other laws for us without an ambitious political desire in the future.
So far, she has no opponent in the Democratic primary.
Abbott, though, has an opponent in the Republican primary; his name is Ted Cruz, a solicitor general under Abbott.
Ain’t it grand we’re not married to our politicians for life?
Knock on wood.
Liberty And Justice For Some
Hats off to Will Phillips.
This 10-year-old from West Fork, Ark., staged a one-boy protest at his elementary school for gay rights.
Phillips did so by refusing to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
He was caught after the fourth day and given “grief” from his teacher for resisting.
Phillips told CNN’s John Roberts: “I eventually, very solemnly — with a little bit of malice in my voice — said, ‘Mam, with all due respect, you can go jump off a bridge.”
Phillips has since apologized to his teacher for his behavior; however, he explained that after thinking about the words in the Pledge, he could not recite them with the a clean conscience.
He said, “There isn’t really liberty and justice for all. Gays and lesbians can’t marry. There’s still a lot of racism and sexism in the world.”
Phillips has taken flack in the form of name-calling from his schoolmates for his stance.
However, his father, Jay, seemed happy with his son’s initial response to his teacher; CNN noted, “Seated next to the boy, his father covered his face, smiling.”
The young Phillips said he wants to be a lawyer when he grows up.
— Nathan Diebenow
Hunting Season 2009
Deer (rifle) season started off with a bang last week. Even if Zack couldn’t hit the side of a barn shooting with his challenged hands, we nevertheless joined the hundreds (thousands?) of Texas men (and probably more than a few hardy women) who braved the early hour to sit patiently in trees, camo-tents, and cramped, box-like structures hoping to catch a glimpse of the perfect buck. Armed with my camera, we trudged through dangers of the mild, pre-dawn morning, battling unseen spider webs and uneven earth. The walking was courageous for Zack whose balance is still pretty weird.
Deer (rifle) season started off with a bang last week. Even if Zack couldn’t hit the side of a barn shooting with his challenged hands, we nevertheless joined the hundreds (thousands?) of Texas men (and probably more than a few hardy women) who braved the early hour to sit patiently in trees, camo-tents, and cramped, box-like structures hoping to catch a glimpse of the perfect buck. Armed with my camera, we trudged through dangers of the mild, pre-dawn morning, battling unseen spider webs and uneven earth. The walking was courageous for Zack whose balance is still pretty weird.
Making our way to the stand, I was reminded to pick up my feet and stop my camera from swishing against my jacket. We sat for an hour-and-a-half. We waited. I had been warned to stay quiet, remained mostly silent and tried not to clear my throat. You never notice how often you do that until someone asks you not to. I understand now why hunters often tie themselves into trees. Not a morning person, I was on the verge of drifting off many times, secretly wondering why I had left the comfort of my warm, cozy bed after too few hours of sleep. The closest encounter we had with wildlife was the mosquito that hunted ME and the squirrel that almost ran across our laps. I’m not sure which of us was the most su
rprised.
I admit that the sunrise was lovely, what I remember of it in my dazed state. Giving up on the deer stand, we started a long walk, and that was when the fun began. We encountered Frazier (the Gray) Crane, looking at least three feet tall — and quite regal — from a distance, heard and saw a flock of Sandhill Cranes flying south. There was a new, lone duck swimming on the tank, probably just passing through or here on a short vacation. We came closer than ever to one of our horned owls, before he grew bored watching us and flew off to terrorize squirrels.
A few years ago, I learned what a buck snort is, but I encountered my first one only this past year. I had no idea it would be so loud and indignant. On our “opening day deer season walk,” I was snorted numerous times, something I consider a rare honor, having waited half a lifetime for the first one. (I’m still waiting to see cedar “smoke” as the berries “explode” with pollen.) As we approached the tank, I heard the first snort from a copse of trees on my left, but saw nothing. Just as we spied several does and fawns across the tank, they must have caught our scent. We received no less than six more snorts from the indignant does, maybe a world’s record. We immediately named that part of path “Buck Snort Bend.” (Today I received a fawn snort. There should be awards for things like this.) After our morning of “hunting,” we were rewarded with Zack’s homemade chili cooked over an open fire. Not a bad first day.
On the second day of deer season, we went right to the walk, foregoing the stand after our disappointing experience the previous day. I was extremely proud of myself when I spotted a couple of buck rubs and some rabbit fur. The latter was no doubt the work of some wily coyote or fox. We have those, too. I hope I’m becoming more observant. We saw several creepy varieties of mushrooms that looked dangerous enough to kill. We noticed the turning leaves. I am NOT a morning person, but I must admit to missing these walks. We often started weekend mornings this way before Zack fell ill, he eagerly and I grudgingly and with much complaining. As much as I as hated rising so early, I always enjoyed being out once I survived the shock of it. I’m glad we’re able to get out more now and enjoy nature. Besides, I can use the exercise.
We tried the tree again this afternoon with exactly the same luck as before — none. Perhaps we lack the patience for deer stands. After seeing our friend Ron’s set-up, I noticed that there are ways to make one’s stand more personal and user-friendly, homey if you will. After all, many long hours will be spent in these homes away from home. (“Hunting widows” will attest to this.) There are accessories for comfort, and hunter-type activities that help pass the time. (More about those in a future column. Hunting season lasts a couple of months and will no doubt inspire more writing and commentary.) I noticed some sort of buck grunt call — and Ron described a noise maker that imitates an amorous, interested, available, love-struck doe. I hear it’s irresistible to the poor guys.
Ron’s stand sported antlers a hunter can hit together — creating an auditory, imaginary rival to entice a buck closer. (Sporting goods departments sell all kinds of sneaky stuff.) I noticed a rope hanging from Ron’s stand for pulling up supplies, possibly refreshing beverages. I saw a hook from which to hang — what? Lunch? And all this was disguised with a decorative bit of lovely, camo netting. Our stand is bare in comparison with even the seat cushion temporarily missing while I sew a new cover. Some critter chewed into a corner of it — probably that squirrel.
We’re already discussing the possibility of a much larger, more comfortable tree house/deer stand for next year. Knowing Zack, it will have a roof, walls, electricity, wood-burning stove and wrap-around porch. As long as there’s room for a cot, I’ll be happy. We hunters need our creature comforts.
(Gene Ellis, Ed.D is a Bosque County resident who returned to the family farm after years of living in New Orleans, New York, and Florida. She is an artist who holds a doctoral degree from New York University and is writing a book about the minor catastrophes of life.)
What Says ‘Thirsty’ Better Than A Sweaty Humor Columnist?
As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column.
As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column.
The reason has nothing to do with procrastination, writer’s block, or even the ability to Google Catherine Zeta Jones; many of us humor columnists simply become too sweaty to operate our keyboards without sliding off and potentially endangering ourselves and others. Newsrooms everywhere understand this, which is why we are often placed in special cubicles that are either refrigerated or, at the very least, equipped with a drain pan.
Yet, somehow, beverage companies continue to overlook us as potential thirst-quenching icons when developing trendy ad campaigns. Chances are, you’ll never see a commercial featuring a humor columnist at a keyboard with green Gatorade streaming out of every pore in his body. Or witness a humor columnist emerge from a droplet of Propel fitness water and do a back flip out of an office chair (which we often do, by the way, sometimes for no reason at all.) That’s because our segment of the beverage-buying market is considered too small to worry about, even though, as analysts have shown, it is a powerful one, at least in terms of odor.
According to the advertising people I spoke with, the key is finding a beverage product that fits the humor columnist profile; something that seamlessly combines beverage consumption and sweaty writing; something that speaks to millions of thirsty consumers and tells them:
Hey, what you really want is a beverage that tastes funny.
I had given up on finding such a beverage until this past week, when I opened a package containing what has to be the strangest soda concept since New Coke. In this case, we’re talking about quenching your thirst with the crisp, refreshing taste of “Broccoli Rice Casserole.”
Or “Salmon Pate’.”
Or my personal favorite, “Brussels Sprout.”
Apparently, the folks at Jones Soda Co., who produce these flavors as part of a limited-edition “Holiday Pack” each year, are aggressively targeting a niche market known in the advertising world as the “gagging consumer.” This became clear during an impromptu taste test I held here in our newsroom, where all 10 of my test subjects preferred drinking these sodas over, say…
The taste of bile.
I knew right away I’d found my product. Who better than a humor columnist to promote a beverage that is marginally preferred over stomach juice? I immediately contacted Diana Turner at Jones Soda Co. and informed her of my availability.
I then called her back and explained I meant as an advertising icon.
After careful consideration that seemed to go on forever but lasted closer to four seconds, I was told that the goal of the “Holiday Pack” was to raise $150,000 for children’s charities, and that paying for a “beverage icon” would mean less money for those charities.
I told her I was cheap.
She said every dollar counts.
I agreed to do it for free.
She asked me to please stop calling her.
As it stands, I still haven’t become a beverage icon, and it doesn’t look like I’ll become one anytime soon. Until then, I’ll just have to quench my thirst for becoming a promotional figurehead by consuming these extra bottles of “Turkey & Gravy” soda.
That’s if I can hold onto them with these sweaty hands.
(Visit the Jones Soda Co. website at www.jonessoda.com to find out more about its fund raiser for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital and Toys For Tots. You can write to Ned Hickson at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR. 97439, or nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com)
Who Didn’t Get Dickens’ Memo?
As a former radio broadcaster who’s thoroughly disgusted with the current state of FM radio, I usually listen to self-made CD mixes while in the car. However, this often proves to be silly when making a short in-town trip. In those cases I generally just listen to WGN-AM out of Chicago, even though in less than one year dipstick owner Sam Zell has turned a once-great radio giant into a faint glimmer of its previous sparkling excellence – in much the same way he ran the Tribune newspaper empire into bankruptcy and his absentee ownership helped sink the 2009 Cubs.
As a former radio broadcaster who’s thoroughly disgusted with the current state of FM radio, I usually listen to self-made CD mixes while in the car.
However, this often proves to be silly when making a short in-town trip. In those cases I generally just listen to WGN-AM out of Chicago, even though in less than one year dipstick owner Sam Zell has turned a once-great radio giant into a faint glimmer of its previous sparkling excellence – in much the same way he ran the Tribune newspaper empire into bankruptcy and his absentee ownership helped sink the 2009 Cubs.
The other evening, I got into the car just in time to hear a caller rant and rave about how only people with jobs are useful members of society who should be allowed to have health insurance.
As he spewed his obvious ignorance of social issues and blatant bigotry steeped in hatred over the 50,000-watt powerhouse (at night WGN can be heard across virtually all of North Aerica), the host attempted to infuse some reasonableness into the guy’s tirade.
That effort was to no avail, as the caller repeatedly referred to those without health coverage as “lazy bums” who sponge off of his hard work.
Now, this was about 8:30 or so on a Sunday evening, and I was only tuning in because we were on our way home from a local movie theatre. But, it made me wonder, “With all the modern communication devices available to us, what kind of anger must be festering inside of someone whose life is so sad and unfulfilled he cannot find anything better to do on Sunday evening than listen to, and call into, an AM radio program?”
I doubt he was so pissed off because the Bears had lost by 20 points that afternoon.
It was after the man underscored his true frame of mind with a reference to “Government cheese” that the host finally cut him off in revulsion; his insular point of view made clear the reasons for an apparent lack of direct contact with, or compassion for, fellow humans.
It’s a sad commentary when we realize that there are still malcontents and haters among us who live in the netherworld of those decades-old biases and intolerance.
A couple of days later we went to see the latest filmization of Charles Dickens’ superb work, “A Christmas Carol.” (We don’t get to a lot of movies, but it seems release of good ones are bunched together.)
Director Robert Zemeckis (who also wrote the screenplay) was as faithful to the original source material as possible; I recognized practically every line as coming right out of Dickens’ inkwell and off his quill, flowing onto the parchment.
Myriad versions of this morality tale have been put on theatre and television screens by a plethora of filmmakers, actors and animators. Still, its basic message – that caring about humanity and sharing with others are positive undertakings — cannot be misconstrued.
Just because it’s set at Christmastime doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be benevolent at all times.
It’s a powerful message, one that has made this story live on for generation after generation after generation.
You need not be a Christian to be generous, or even nice, to someone else.
Unfortunately, far too many folks who call themselves “Christians” ignore the root message espoused by Jesus Christ – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” – being the essential thrust of his philosophy.
It’s rather unsettling that, in the 21st Century, many within our own society refuse to take note of the lesson put forth by a mid-19th Century author.
As to the newest version of “A Christmas Carol” itself, I found it to be a ton o’fun. Undoubtedly good moviemaking on its own terms, the 3-D version is a real eye-popping treat.
After seeing so many different versions, I was afraid that this would be little more than another rehash. But director Zemeckis and star Jim Carrey (in at least six different roles) have created an exciting, fabulous world.
Of all the variations on this theme that I have seen, Zemeckis’ vision runs a strong second to the 1951 film (aka “Scrooge”) starring Alistair Sim as the personification of greed, old skinflint Ebenezer; the Disney animated featurette, “Mickey’s Christmas Carol” (1983), despite its somewhat pared down story, moves to third on my list of favorite retellings.
By all means, go see it – in 3-D, if you can. However, don’t bring your pre-school children. Dickens wrote for adults, and there are elements of the story and its presentation that will serve to confuse youngsters, if not frighten the bejesus out of them.
FYI: While “Bah” is pretty much self-explanatory, “Humbug” is defined (according to my 1963 Merriam-Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary) as a noun, 1) a. something designed to deceive and mislead, b. a person who passes himself off as something that he is not; 2) an attitude or spirit of pretense and deception; 3) drivel, nonsense. It can also be used as a verb, “to engage in humbug.”
Please enjoy a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!
Shalom.
(Erstwhile Philosopher and former Educator Jerry Tenuto is a veteran who survived, somewhat emotionally intact, seven years in the U.S. Army. Despite a penchant for late-night revelry, he managed to earn BS and MA Degrees in Communications from Southern Illinois University at Carbondale. On advice from a therapist, he continues to bang out his weekly “Out Of The Blue” feature in The Lone Star Iconoclast — providing much-needed catharsis. Jerry is also licensed to perform marriage ceremonies in 45 states.)
‘Do-Nothing’ Congress Evolves Into ‘Do-Little’ Congress
…or, if you want to do a job right, don’t give it to Congress. First the U.S. Congress generated the giant corporate bail-outs spending billions of our tax dollars. Those were followed by huge bail-outs for the auto industry.
…or, if you want to do a job right, don’t give it to Congress.
First the U.S. Congress generated the giant corporate bail-outs spending billions of our tax dollars.
Those were followed by huge bail-outs for the auto industry.
Top executive bonuses still are being paid out with taxpayer dollars.
As the economy continued to plummet, more jobs were lost and home foreclosures increased.
Then Congress implemented auto and appliance clunker programs. Simply stated, that is a poor approach to injecting consumer dollars into the economy.
In short, Congress has done little for main street Americans.
There were long lines at the unemployment offices across the nation. Many Americans weren’t even eligible for unemployment insurance benefits because they had been jobless for one year or two.
The American people were promised jobs; however, thousands of jobs still are being cut by many companies. Congress provided several extensions of unemployment benefits for those who had reached their maximum time. Meanwhile, Congress has not made good on the promise to develop jobs for those Americans who need them.
Developing jobs is an easy thing to do. It can be accomplished two ways. First, Congress could provide special incentives, e.g., tax credits, to businesses for creating jobs and hiring U.S. citizens to fill them. The second option is for Congress to implement a domestic work plan that creates federal jobs to rebuild our infrastructures, e.g., bridges, roads, tunnels, dams, harbors, etc.
However, our Congress is NOT developing new jobs. It is NOT rewarding the business sector for hiring American citizens.
So, what is Congress doing?
Once again Congress is engaging in short-term “solutions” to help jobless Americans. It agreed to extend unemployment benefits again for up to 14 weeks.
This is like placing a Band-Aid on a deep wound — it won’t work.
Congress can not expect to continue this lackadaisical and disingenuous approach to strengthen our economy. Americans need jobs. Jobs provide salaries. Salaries give Americans money to make purchases. Purchases provide profits to businesses who then reinvest and motivate our ailing economy.
Americans need to ask their Congress that great old question classic comedian Oliver Hardy [knee-deep in frustration] used to ask so frequently of his simplistic partner Stan Laurel, “Why don’t you do something to HELP me?”
Many Americans wish Congress had a good response to that question.
Peter Stern, a former director of information services, university professor and public school administrator, is a disabled Vietnam veteran who lives in Driftwood.
Is Disney Goofy?
When it comes to our jobs, we are all replaceable. The current recession has certainly brought this home to many people. There’s always somebody who is younger, smarter, or closer to the boss’ cousin waiting to step in and take somebody’s job. But how would you feel if you lost your job to a cartoon character? That’s kind of what happened to noted sportscaster Al Michaels. Michaels is the famous voice America has been hearing on Monday Night Football for years. Next year, he’ll be broadcasting Sunday Night Football on NBC. And he’ll have that NBC job all because of a cartoon character named Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.
When it comes to our jobs, we are all replaceable. The current recession has certainly brought this home to many people. There’s always somebody who is younger, smarter, or closer to the boss’ cousin waiting to step in and take somebody’s job. But how would you feel if you lost your job to a cartoon character? That’s kind of what happened to noted sportscaster Al Michaels. Michaels is the famous voice America has been hearing on Monday Night Football for years. Next year, he’ll be broadcasting Sunday Night Football on NBC. And he’ll have that NBC job all because of a cartoon character named Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.
It’s a bit complicated, but Disney owns ABC and ESPN. Universal owns NBC. Michaels has been working for Disney who wanted Oswald who was owned by Universal. So they made a swap: NBC got Al Michaels, and Disney got Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. I wonder how many MBAs they needed to work that out.
Of course, there were other parts of the deal. NBC gave ESPN more access to certain sports events, but the clincher was Oswald. In case you never heard of this lucky rabbit, you’re not alone. He was a character created by Walt Disney more than 80 years ago, before Walt came up with that famous mouse of his. Somehow he lost the rights, and somehow Universal/NBC got them.
When I first learned about the deal a few months ago, I thought it was a bit strange. But when I heard Al Michaels’ voice the other night on Monday Night Football, I couldn’t get it out of my head that this man — the announcer who, at the 1980 Winter Olympics, came up with the phrase, “Do you believe in miracles?” — was being traded for a fictional character.
Reacting to the deal, Disney president Robert Iger commented, “… Oswald is back where he belongs, at the home of his creator and among the stable of beloved characters created by Walt himself.” I guess the corporate people at Disney thought it was important for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit to finally get away from the bad influence of the likes of Woody Woodpecker and start hanging out with someone like Bambi.
I admit that I don’t understand big business, but are the Disney stockholders really excited that after all these years, they’ve finally recovered Oswald the Lucky Rabbit? Are they saying things like, “I’m not interested in profits or losses as long as we have Walt’s rabbit again?”
What about the kids who watch cartoons? Have they been moping for years, uncooperative at home, and uninterested at school because Oswald the Lucky Rabbit has not been part of their lives? In fact, is this rarely seen rabbit what’s been missing from American culture all these years? Would the crime rate have gone down and the literacy rate have gone up if we all had just watched Oswald as children?
Who knew that a cartoon character that most of us had never heard of could be so important? And if Oswald is this significant, other cartoon characters might have equal value in American society. When our economic situation started going downhill, should our top economists have consulted Scrooge McDuck? Instead of concentrating on Brad and Angelina, should all those gossip magazines really be focusing on Boris and Natasha? Rather than turning to all those diet gurus, should millions of Americans be commiserating with Porky Pig?
Oswald won’t be calling the football games next year instead of Al Michaels, but maybe we’re just a slip on a banana peel away from something like that happening. A television performer’s career is precarious at best. We’ve all seen actors and actresses replaced on shows by others who are younger, blonder, or willing to work cheaper. But at least these people were replaced by actual humans. How would you feel if you got back to the office from lunch one day and Tweety Bird was sitting at your desk?
Anything’s possible in television. Trading places with cartoon characters could start a trend. Who knows? Maybe David Letterman will end up at ABC in a trade for Fred Flintstone. At least CBS wouldn’t have to worry about Fred fooling around.
Texans Choose Sides In Epic Reconstruction Feud
The town marshal was dealing a friendly game of monte on Nov. 18, 1875, when five armed strangers walked through the swinging doors of the Cuero saloon and blew the lawman clean out of his chair.
The town marshal was dealing a friendly game of monte on Nov. 18, 1875, when five armed strangers walked through the swinging doors of the Cuero saloon and blew the lawman clean out of his chair.
The Sutton-Taylor Feud, an epic private war with a cast of dozens, claimed another life. The fact that the victim had never laid eyes on his executioners was not that unusual since strangers had the advantage of getting up-close and personal on their target.
The chaotic consequences of the Civil War bred indiscriminate violence throughout the Lone Star State. Federal soldiers and the state police, living symbols of the hated Reconstruction occupation, were considered fair game by most Texans.
The galling disrespect of two feisty teenagers, Hays and Doboy Taylor, caused a thin-skinned Yankee officer to order their arrest. When the smoke cleared, several troopers lay dead, and the brothers were wanted men.
Hays and Doboy were still on the loose in March 1868, when Billy Sutton, a native of Clinton, led a posse in pursuit of accused horse thieves Charley Taylor and James Sharpe. After Taylor went down fighting at the climax of chase, his companion gave up only to be shot on the spot.
Meanwhile, professional gunfighter Jack Helm was hired to bring in the fugitive Taylor boys. Hays was slain on Aug. 23, 1869 at the family ranch in Karnes County, but Doboy disappeared without a trace.
The resourceful youth eluded the manhunt but could not escape an early grave. Doboy pulled a pistol two years later to cancel a business deal but was killed with his own gun by a fast-thinking ex-partner.
The Sutton-Taylor affair reached the boiling point on Christmas Eve 1868. Buck Taylor and a sidekick wandered into Clinton, a fatal mistake even during the holidays, and were promptly dispatched by Billy Sutton and his hometown cronies.
The Reconstruction legislature created the powerful state police in 1870, and the first to enlist were Jack Helm and Billy Sutton. Their personal vendetta turned into a public confrontation between legally ordained peace officers and the embattled Taylor clan.
With his shiny new badge and a crew of unscrupulous underlings, Sutton appeared at the home of the Kellys, in-laws of the Taylors. William and Henry Kelly obligingly went along with the uniformed state cops for questioning but instead were murdered in cold blood a few miles down the road.
The next victim was elderly Pitkin Taylor, the family patriarch ambushed in his cornfield. Drunk with power as well as whiskey, Billy Sutton disrupted the funeral for the old man cursing the mourners and challenging them to take their revenge.
But the Taylors wisely refused to take the bait. They steered clear of Sutton and his henchmen patiently waiting for the day their tormentors no longer had the law on their side.
As the curtain finally came down on Reconstruction, the legislature disbanded the state police in the spring of 1873. With the legal rug pulled out from under Sutton and Helm, a new generation of Taylors avenged the bloodshed of the past five years.
Masquerading as an ordinary blacksmith, Jack Helm figured no one would think to look for him in the Wilson County village of Albuquerque. Jim Taylor and a 20 year old cousin named John Wesley Hardin track down Helm less than three months later, and the locals went back to shoeing their own horses.
Accompanied by his brother Bill, Jim Taylor caught up with Billy Sutton in March 1874 at Indianola, where he had booked passage on the next ship out of the Texas port. Two bullets changed his plans and destination.
Sutton partisans retaliated by lynching three Taylors, who had been detained at Clinton on false charges of cattle rustling. There seemed to be no end in sight to the killing as guerilla warfare enveloped several counties and forced innocent bystanders to pick sides.
Cuero marshal Rube Brown, the new leader of the anti-Taylor faction, arrested Bill Taylor for the Sutton murder. During his September 1875 trial, a hurricane roared through Indianola and in the confusion the defendant escaped.
Two months later, a Taylor quintet broke up Marshal Brown’s card game. Then in December 1875 came the final fatalities of the granddaddy of all Texas feuds.
Friends swore Jim Taylor and a couple of companions rode into Clinton to give themselves up, while foes insisted their real purpose was to burn down the courthouse. Whatever the motive, the trio perished in a hail of hot lead.
Bill Taylor was captured in West Texas in 1877 and returned to Indianola for his storm-interrupted trial. The jury decided Billy Sutton had it coming and voted for acquittal.
Although the feud was officially over, Bill Taylor knew the Sutton crowd would not accept a cease-fire until he was six feet under. Wandering north to Oklahoma, he tried his hand at law enforcement. Imagine his surprise a few weeks later when a saddle tramp beat him to the draw!
(“Secession & Civil War” – latest “Best of This Week in Texas History” collection available for $10.95 plus $3.25 postage and handling from Bartee Haile, P.O. Box 152, Friendswood, TX or order on-line at twith.com.)
