Dirty Diaper Football Makes Disposables A Must

Though I’m a parent who is many years beyond his children’s diaper phase (Ya Baby! WOOO-HOOO, You Know it! YOWZA!) …Sorry

 Though I’m a parent who is many years beyond his children’s diaper phase (Ya Baby! WOOO-HOOO, You Know it! YOWZA!)

…Sorry

Anyway, I have several friends who are now embarking on this journey and who have asked my advice regarding cloth or disposable. Though I was a cloth diaper user — which is why my thumbs and index fingers look like pin cushions at a second-hand store — I suggest disposable for one simple reason:

Dirty diaper football.

In this arena, disposables have a distinct advantage over cloth.

First, you can’t throw a nice spiral with cloth. Too floppy, and the center of gravity…

…Well, there is no center of gravity. Your diaper football will simply wobble too much in flight to achieve any kind accuracy in your air game.

Second, the safety pins are a hazard, and they also affect the aerodynamics of your passing game. Forget any “hail Mary” plays with cloth.

And if you overthrow?

Trust me, you don’t want to go there.

Third, you can’t (or shouldn’t) punt a cloth diaper football. The same goes for spiking. Trust me: An “excessive celebration” call will be the least of your worries if you lose control of the end zone.

In fact, the only advantage cloth diaper footballs have over a disposable is that your opponent is much less likely to attempt a fumble recovery. Other than that, disposables are clearly superior.

And much easier to assemble.

Step one: Acquire a dirty diaper. If you can’t get one at home, ask around.

Step two: Remove the soiled diaper, keeping what will become your centrifuge intact. This will make or break the accuracy of your passes.

Step three: Roll your diaper football, making sure to maintain its center of gravity. Remember, it’s a lot like rolling up a stuffed cabbage. It will seem like everything won’t fit, but it will.

Step four: Warm up your throwing arm.

It’s that easy.

Oh, there is one other thing; check the integrity of your football regularly — especially before throwing “the bomb.”

You get the picture.