God Anoints Obama President — GOP Call ‘Heavenly Father’ Baby-Eating Commie Terrorist

LEWISVILLE, Texas Something funny happened to the United States of America last Tuesday night. No riots took place. No martial law was called. No troops were deployed. No citizens disappeared. No voters were caged.

No, instead, around 130 million peace-loving citizens cast their ballots in the 2008 general election, and in doing so, the nation’s first-ever bi-racial president was elected. You may have heard of him. His name is Barack Obama.

The junior senator from Illinois ended his historic 21-month campaign for the White House by collecting 63 million votes, eight million more than his chief political rival, Sen. John McCain.

Obama became the 44th president-elect in the midst of a vastly unpopular incumbent Republican president, a skatterbrained campaign by his Republican opponent, a national housing crisis, two failed foreign military occupations, and a mulititude of election season superstitions that media pundits refer to as “presidential predictors.”

Here’s a quick review of the predictors that The Lone Star Iconoclast found most interesting.

One: The popular magazine Weekly Reader found in a national survey that U.S. students aged five to 18 prefered Obama over McCain as president by a double-digit margain (54.7 percent to 42.9 percent). This survey has correctly predicted the outcome in 13 of the last 14 presidential elections.

Two: The Pittsburg Steelers defeated Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. Had the Redskins won on their last home game before the election, the incumbent party would supposedly remain in power. This prediction has been wrong only once in the last 17 presidential elections.

Three: The ancient Chinese system of divination, the I Ching*, when cast with coins told The Iconoclast that the effect of an Obama presidency would be “Encouraging” (hexagram 58) changing to “Prospering” (11), whereas a McCain presidency would bring “Conflict” (6) with no changing lines.

Yet Obama’s campaign appeared to have made its own luck with regard to the bellweather state of Missouri. The Show-Me State had failed at predicting the winning U.S. president only once in 100 years. This year’s race was close, though. Six-thousand votes separated two candidates. But while Missouri went for McCain, Obama still came out ahead in the national contest.

From the sounds of it, some Missourians had enough of their state’s prediction powers anyway.

“Well, whatever. There wasn’t a lot of glory in being the bellwether, except that reporters and news crews from places like Washington, London, and Germany came to interview us in election season,” said Barb Shelley, a Kansas City Star columnist.

Another bellweather state, Ohio, went overwhelmingly for Obama by double digits, continuing its own unbroken streak of picking presidents not that it mattered since God picked Obama to win the second after He created evolution…. Obama’s campaign strategy paid off as long-time Republican stronghold Indiana turned blue as well as North Carolina and Virginia.

Not to be outdone, the baby Jesus also had a hand in the election, pimp-slapping Karl Rove, President Bush’s former deputy chief of staff and political strategist. Rove predicted Obama would win going away with 338 electoral votes. In reality, Obama exceeded 349 projected with two states still undeclared Wednesday afternoo