life — Health Of Open-Minded Europeans Linked To Meat Fungus

This past New Year’s Eve I was not in full control of my faculties. This was the direct result of partial asphyxiation caused from trying to wear my seven-year-old son’s party hat. Because of this, I said some things I now deeply regret, such as making a resolution to eat healthier and exercise regularly.

While trying to live up to my promise for the last month I have made a number of realizations, beginning with the fact that I cannot run on the treadmill while simultaneously watching any type of motor sport on TV; not without getting sick or, at the very least, losing my balance and getting thrown head-first into the Stair Master.

I’ve also learned that people with 10 percent body fat are secretly despised by people with fat bodies 100 percent of the time.

The reason for this dates back to the first vegetarian caveman who, after swearing-off meat in front of his clan and a panel of cave elders, was then eaten. Because of this, mistrust between carnivores and herbivores exists to this day. The best example of this can be seen in the design of modern supermarkets, which strategically puts the meat at the back of the store and fruits and vegetables near the front. That way, should carnivores suddenly riot in the event of a rump roast shortage, herbivores have a head start in getting to the exits.

However, a new “fungus-based” meat substitute called “Quorn” could soon change all of that.

Just what is this new product? And what makes it different from the “fungus-based” meat that already exists somewhere in the back of my refrigerator between the “fungus-based” sour cream and salsa?

Before we get to that, you should know that “Quorn” is the best selling meat-alternative in the United Kingdom. While some say it is because of the product’s natural chicken-like flavor, other says it’s because of Quorn’s advertising slogan:

“You can’t get Mad Cow from a

While Europeans have long been considered more open-minded and progressive when it comes to eating fungus that’s shaped like chicken nuggets, the makers of Quorn are hoping that health-conscious Americans, long considered more open-minded and progressive when it comes to avoiding diet and exercise, will be won over by the fact that Quorn has no cholesterol, two-thirds the fat of chicken, and stands a good chance of turning hallucinogenic when spoiled.

The real test, of course, will come when Quorn hits supermarket shelves in the U.S. and store owners are then faced with the decision of WHERE to put this new product.

Should it be up with the vegetables? Or back with the meats? And if there’s a shortage, will someone with 10 percent body fat be able to survive?

Fat chance.